That I have really does suck.
Some of you might be able to relate to this.
Its just a random wave of depression that washes over you.
Or hits you like a stupid city bus.
And if your alone its just 10x worse.
Plus nothing can help it.
Nothing but time.
Which also sucks.
But all your options rush to your head with how to get rid of it.
All your bad habits scream out to you.
And half of you is yelling at you "YES DO IT"
So everything at once is racing threw your head non stop.
Then your depression turns into anger.
Plus a bad headache.
Half of you doesnt allow you to think or talk.
The yelling and screaming just keeps on going.
And you know the only way for it to stop is if you do it.
But if you do it, it will get stronger then you.
And keep coming back.
Those damn bad habits.
That cut that will leave a scar.
The drink that turns into 4 then a few more.
Or those few hits that make you fly, always make you do a faceplant at the end.
I live with scars all over my body.
I can never get drunk anymore with the amount I used to be fine with.
And I freak out and get moody with my crashes.
But why do I still want it?
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Its Hard To Think..
When theres another person in your head yelling at you.
When your bad habits call out to you.
When everything feels like a dream.
When you go numb.
Or when you told me that your always going to be there for me.
But I know you cant be, you cant even look after yourself.
Either of you can, nor can you face the truth.
Grow up and deal with your shit.
Its life. I remember one time you told me
"Lifes hard, but we get threw it one way or another."
Show me proof of that.
Get some help like I did.
Ya, we all fall down and might even get kicked to stay down.
But thats all part of life too.
Deal with it, cause I have to everyday.
Either of you know half the shit I've been threw, or how mental I really am.
Cause I cant talk to you guys, you just wouldnt understand.
Its hard for alot of people to take in the storys I do share.
Why I keep my mouth shut with alot of shit.
Mom slowly is learning who I am, cause she wants me to talk with her.
And I know she wont yell at me, and help me threw it.
I just hate how I get dragged into this shit over and over again.
And no matter what I will be dragged into it.
Cause its family matter, and Im going to be there for them when I can.
You cant just run away from it.
Its really not my problem, but Im still going to hear about it.
I still wanna be kept in the loop of things.
But why this drama? I HATE it.
Im so tired of this stupid fucking battle thats going on.
I have my own war to deal with.
I never seem to get a break.
And people wonder why I go numb half the time and just really dont care anymore.
The longer this does go on, the harder it is for me to care about life.
So everyone, grow up and deal with your shit.
Half of my childhood and teenage-hood got taken away from me.
Since I had to grow up a bit faster then I had too.
Since either of you couldnt.
Why would I want my kids have the life I had?
It was fucked up from the start.
PS- So stop wondering why Im full of anger.
When your bad habits call out to you.
When everything feels like a dream.
When you go numb.
Or when you told me that your always going to be there for me.
But I know you cant be, you cant even look after yourself.
Either of you can, nor can you face the truth.
Grow up and deal with your shit.
Its life. I remember one time you told me
"Lifes hard, but we get threw it one way or another."
Show me proof of that.
Get some help like I did.
Ya, we all fall down and might even get kicked to stay down.
But thats all part of life too.
Deal with it, cause I have to everyday.
Either of you know half the shit I've been threw, or how mental I really am.
Cause I cant talk to you guys, you just wouldnt understand.
Its hard for alot of people to take in the storys I do share.
Why I keep my mouth shut with alot of shit.
Mom slowly is learning who I am, cause she wants me to talk with her.
And I know she wont yell at me, and help me threw it.
I just hate how I get dragged into this shit over and over again.
And no matter what I will be dragged into it.
Cause its family matter, and Im going to be there for them when I can.
You cant just run away from it.
Its really not my problem, but Im still going to hear about it.
I still wanna be kept in the loop of things.
But why this drama? I HATE it.
Im so tired of this stupid fucking battle thats going on.
I have my own war to deal with.
I never seem to get a break.
And people wonder why I go numb half the time and just really dont care anymore.
The longer this does go on, the harder it is for me to care about life.
So everyone, grow up and deal with your shit.
Half of my childhood and teenage-hood got taken away from me.
Since I had to grow up a bit faster then I had too.
Since either of you couldnt.
Why would I want my kids have the life I had?
It was fucked up from the start.
PS- So stop wondering why Im full of anger.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Moving Forward,
With you.
Will be the best thing for me.
I really cant see myself without you.
Lately I've been seeing alot of things.
Things I've never seen with anyone else.
And theres nothing more then I want,
A life with you would be everything coming true.
I've quit alot of bad habits for you.
Its hard with a few, but your a good reason for me too.
I know I tend to go crazy at times.
But I find alot of built up shit comes out when Im with you.
I can relax more.
I just want to make you happy,
Like you do for me.
And to share a life with you.
I know Im not perfect
But I'd do anything for you.
I love you.
I always have a feeling that if I do talk about things like this.
I jink it.
Maybe why I try to avoid somethings.
But I know this is what I want
And just dont want this to scare you off for when I do talk like this.
I dont know how you'd take it if I said this in person.
But I truely do know that I love you Matt.
PS- I want raspberrys =)
Will be the best thing for me.
I really cant see myself without you.
Lately I've been seeing alot of things.
Things I've never seen with anyone else.
And theres nothing more then I want,
A life with you would be everything coming true.
I've quit alot of bad habits for you.
Its hard with a few, but your a good reason for me too.
I know I tend to go crazy at times.
But I find alot of built up shit comes out when Im with you.
I can relax more.
I just want to make you happy,
Like you do for me.
And to share a life with you.
I know Im not perfect
But I'd do anything for you.
I love you.
I always have a feeling that if I do talk about things like this.
I jink it.
Maybe why I try to avoid somethings.
But I know this is what I want
And just dont want this to scare you off for when I do talk like this.
I dont know how you'd take it if I said this in person.
But I truely do know that I love you Matt.
PS- I want raspberrys =)
Looking Back,
On how I used to be.
I've noticed how the person I was is no longer in me.
Its been to long for me able to find her.
I keep thinking it was just the kid in me
And I've just grown up.
But Im not to sure if it was just that part of me.
I know a part of me died when you left us.
Some part of me I'll never get back.
You've broken me, and I hope you know that,
But you'll never fully face the truth of it.
How alot of my actions were because of you.
You need to learn how to be silent and listen to me.
Did you know those two words have all the same letters in them to spell eachother?
Its weird how everything I write about invoids you.
How much shit is built up and what I really wanna say to you.
Why do you think Im never around?
I barly know you anymore
As you barly know me.
Keep telling yourself that you do.
Whatever helps you sleep at night right?
And everytime we talk, its usually the same shit over and over.
I wish you could be there for me like you used too.
But this distence is making me stronger.
So learn to let go, cause I am.
I've noticed how the person I was is no longer in me.
Its been to long for me able to find her.
I keep thinking it was just the kid in me
And I've just grown up.
But Im not to sure if it was just that part of me.
I know a part of me died when you left us.
Some part of me I'll never get back.
You've broken me, and I hope you know that,
But you'll never fully face the truth of it.
How alot of my actions were because of you.
You need to learn how to be silent and listen to me.
Did you know those two words have all the same letters in them to spell eachother?
Its weird how everything I write about invoids you.
How much shit is built up and what I really wanna say to you.
Why do you think Im never around?
I barly know you anymore
As you barly know me.
Keep telling yourself that you do.
Whatever helps you sleep at night right?
And everytime we talk, its usually the same shit over and over.
I wish you could be there for me like you used too.
But this distence is making me stronger.
So learn to let go, cause I am.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Decode It
Theres something I should say but.........................Why should I
Get into that now and ...........................................Tell you?
It may hurt for you to hear, so ............................When I know
Nothing good will come out of it.
Why bother?
Get into that now and ...........................................Tell you?
It may hurt for you to hear, so ............................When I know
Nothing good will come out of it.
Why bother?
..........................................................................You
Will freak out and I ..................................................Dont
Want that, I ..........................................................Care
And love you.
PS- This isnt going toward anyone, I just thought it was cool and that was the first thing to come to my mind, weird enough. And its how my favorite author Ellen Hopkins writes.
Will freak out and I ..................................................Dont
Want that, I ..........................................................Care
And love you.
PS- This isnt going toward anyone, I just thought it was cool and that was the first thing to come to my mind, weird enough. And its how my favorite author Ellen Hopkins writes.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I Wish I Was...
Skinnyer
Prettyer
Had no frickles
A Clearer face
No Scars on my body..
Nor strech marks
Smarter
Thinner face
Better hair
Bigger boobs
Fit
Ya I know Im being like every girl that says this shit. But I never really do, till now. I just wanted to say this, to get it out. I dont like talking about it, cause usually someone will just yell and say Im wrong so they think I know Im pretty. But this is how mirrors mock me. That and Kat, but thats a different story as you know. When I do look in the mirror and see these things I know some will never happen.
My scars and strech marks may go away..one day. But yea, I dont seem to be helping.
I want my hair to be longer so I can do more with it. So I can just grow that
And I can work out more and stop being lazy.
But the other things I have to wait on.
This shit kinda makes me wanna stop eating all together.
My biggest thing is for a thinner face, that bugs me the most. Always has and will.
I know Im not an ugly fuck.
But I've been starting to compair myself with other girls alot now, and really starting to hate what I see when I look in the mirror.
I dont want to become one those over obsessed girls with how they look.
Or cry at night about it. I've cryed a few times I must say, and have punched a few mirrors.
I guess Im just trying to turn myself into something I cant be.
ps- I feel stupid talking about this
Prettyer
Had no frickles
A Clearer face
No Scars on my body..
Nor strech marks
Smarter
Thinner face
Better hair
Bigger boobs
Fit
Ya I know Im being like every girl that says this shit. But I never really do, till now. I just wanted to say this, to get it out. I dont like talking about it, cause usually someone will just yell and say Im wrong so they think I know Im pretty. But this is how mirrors mock me. That and Kat, but thats a different story as you know. When I do look in the mirror and see these things I know some will never happen.
My scars and strech marks may go away..one day. But yea, I dont seem to be helping.
I want my hair to be longer so I can do more with it. So I can just grow that
And I can work out more and stop being lazy.
But the other things I have to wait on.
This shit kinda makes me wanna stop eating all together.
My biggest thing is for a thinner face, that bugs me the most. Always has and will.
I know Im not an ugly fuck.
But I've been starting to compair myself with other girls alot now, and really starting to hate what I see when I look in the mirror.
I dont want to become one those over obsessed girls with how they look.
Or cry at night about it. I've cryed a few times I must say, and have punched a few mirrors.
I guess Im just trying to turn myself into something I cant be.
ps- I feel stupid talking about this
Friday, October 23, 2009
Am I Really?
Half the time it feels like everyone is after me, trying to hurt me. But I know there just trying to help me, but I keep pushing away. I always think its better for no one to know about me, like things would be better. Might be true though. I've noticed that ever since that blade got to me again, I've been keeping alot more inside. I know I havent been talking much about some shit inside. Some thats been locked up in there for years. Maybe somethings are better not to be shared. But I know I should say it.
My head is fucked, I dont understand how I got this way. I have an idea of how I got this way, but guess I wont really know. Maybe it just runs threw my family? I can believe that, cause everyone who knows mum and my bro, they can see something in us is a little outta wack. Really bad memory loss for sure.
People say I may be a bit scitzo, the see signs of it, if its just me and them. Im more my hiden self around alot of people I know, but if I dont know anyone and its just me. Then I just let go and let her out. Hint, why I shouldnt be left alone. Im always testing other people that I dont know, seeing who can/cant handle the other side of me.
Im also very "hot and cold" all the time, they say. Very fast at switching between that too. Its hard to stay in between that, if I am, I feel numb. I get "highs" when Im really happy and jump around. But when im depressed Im stuck in the deep blue. Bi-polar does run in my family on mums side. Holy shit, more I think about this, I think I am...
But what can I do?
My head is fucked, I dont understand how I got this way. I have an idea of how I got this way, but guess I wont really know. Maybe it just runs threw my family? I can believe that, cause everyone who knows mum and my bro, they can see something in us is a little outta wack. Really bad memory loss for sure.
People say I may be a bit scitzo, the see signs of it, if its just me and them. Im more my hiden self around alot of people I know, but if I dont know anyone and its just me. Then I just let go and let her out. Hint, why I shouldnt be left alone. Im always testing other people that I dont know, seeing who can/cant handle the other side of me.
Im also very "hot and cold" all the time, they say. Very fast at switching between that too. Its hard to stay in between that, if I am, I feel numb. I get "highs" when Im really happy and jump around. But when im depressed Im stuck in the deep blue. Bi-polar does run in my family on mums side. Holy shit, more I think about this, I think I am...
But what can I do?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Whats Wrong With Me?
I've been seeing things that arent there, like everything turns. Once people are to still, they turn to pastic. Everythings different, nothing seemed real. Like I had to question everything and couldnt stop looking around. Nothing has really seemed real since my last accident, something changed how I look at things now. Things just aint the same.
Like somedays are a blur, I cant remember much in the aftenoons and nights. I find thats when I black out the most. And theres a time of the day where I just get depressed for no reason. I dont know how I get home most days, or how I get to some places. Theres alot in my head that I still havent shared, and shit Im still learning.
I think really unpositive about myself, like who doesnt? But enough to drive yourself to the edge of things. Enough to make time stop, but your mind is running like mad, and that you go numb?I cut myself down so bad to make myself break down. I do it so if someone says something like that to me, I've heard and told myself it before. Your pathetic she always says.
I also freak out alot, like have mini panic attacks inside. Or once I get mad I tence all up and just wanna break whatever I see first, and have no care about it. Sometimes I cant control myself, for its not me. I wanna be the something I'll never get to be again, myself. I really cant seem to find the person I once knew. She so baried deep inside me, I dont think I can find her again. Most people dont know her since shes been lost for so long. I can barly remember myself.
Theres so much more in my head that I dont understand. So many signs to other things that people say I have, I really want to get tested. But Im not sure how. And do I really wanna know whats going on in my head?
Like somedays are a blur, I cant remember much in the aftenoons and nights. I find thats when I black out the most. And theres a time of the day where I just get depressed for no reason. I dont know how I get home most days, or how I get to some places. Theres alot in my head that I still havent shared, and shit Im still learning.
I think really unpositive about myself, like who doesnt? But enough to drive yourself to the edge of things. Enough to make time stop, but your mind is running like mad, and that you go numb?I cut myself down so bad to make myself break down. I do it so if someone says something like that to me, I've heard and told myself it before. Your pathetic she always says.
I also freak out alot, like have mini panic attacks inside. Or once I get mad I tence all up and just wanna break whatever I see first, and have no care about it. Sometimes I cant control myself, for its not me. I wanna be the something I'll never get to be again, myself. I really cant seem to find the person I once knew. She so baried deep inside me, I dont think I can find her again. Most people dont know her since shes been lost for so long. I can barly remember myself.
Theres so much more in my head that I dont understand. So many signs to other things that people say I have, I really want to get tested. But Im not sure how. And do I really wanna know whats going on in my head?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Wish I Could Be Better..
I know no one is prefect, but then why do we all try so hard to make everything we do prefect? Im always stuck in this depression, as soon as I get out of it, I always find a new way to fall back into it. I just cant seem to find a way to keep myself outta that whole. Im sorry with what I've become, and who I might be becoming. You dont know the half of it, but I hate myself for it. Im waiting for the day were I cant wake back up, and when shes fully talken over.
I just wish I could be for once better at something else then someone. I give up to easy when I see someone that can beat me, cause if I carry on with it, I'll just get angry and wanna hurt somone. Or when I see someone else is doing the same things I like and do, it feels like there trying to steal my dreams away. Sometimes I wish I was who I used to be, but I know theres no turning back now. Even if I could, I wouldnt know how too.
I just wanna be a better person, I wanna be me but how can I when I barly know who I am half the time. I wish I was so many things else then what I am. So many people what me to do some many different things, but once I start trying to do it, or like something. Someone comes alone and shuts me down.
I've been drinking for the past few days again. Drinking cant even get me to fall asleep now. I wanna quiet smoking, and I've been good with not doing drugs. But Im gonna end up slipping up soon, right? And that damn blade just keeps on calling me.. Fuck..
Life doesnt even feel real anymore. Like Im dreaming or something, unable to really know whats going on or why its happening. I feel like Im just trying to live day by day. Feels like everything is a fog, like when Im blacking out. Things go by to fast, I cant hold onto the moment long enough to noticed what has happened. Most of the time a comma sounds prefect too me. But nothings prefect, right?
I just wish I could be for once better at something else then someone. I give up to easy when I see someone that can beat me, cause if I carry on with it, I'll just get angry and wanna hurt somone. Or when I see someone else is doing the same things I like and do, it feels like there trying to steal my dreams away. Sometimes I wish I was who I used to be, but I know theres no turning back now. Even if I could, I wouldnt know how too.
I just wanna be a better person, I wanna be me but how can I when I barly know who I am half the time. I wish I was so many things else then what I am. So many people what me to do some many different things, but once I start trying to do it, or like something. Someone comes alone and shuts me down.
I've been drinking for the past few days again. Drinking cant even get me to fall asleep now. I wanna quiet smoking, and I've been good with not doing drugs. But Im gonna end up slipping up soon, right? And that damn blade just keeps on calling me.. Fuck..
Life doesnt even feel real anymore. Like Im dreaming or something, unable to really know whats going on or why its happening. I feel like Im just trying to live day by day. Feels like everything is a fog, like when Im blacking out. Things go by to fast, I cant hold onto the moment long enough to noticed what has happened. Most of the time a comma sounds prefect too me. But nothings prefect, right?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Just Keep On Smiling, & Pretend Nothing Is Wrong
...Is just what im doing.
No one has seen anything yet, that I may break down soon.
Cause no one has had a chance to look into my eyes.
I know all this regret is just going to turn into built up pain, and anger.
But whatever, it doesnt matter.
The thought that I will have to sneak around to see my friends, in my own home town..
Well thats just killing me, and this music isn't really helping.
Im just gonna walk around with no emotion for the next few days.
That damn bottle keeps calling my name.
Same with that whispering blade..
I may leave for a bit, or just not be around at times.
Disappearing sounds good right about now.
I've just pulled myself deeper into something I was trying to get out of.
But I need to protection from the things I have done.
Things I barly remember, and should never be talked about.
I guess I really am just a bad influence.
Im sorry for everything I've done to everyone that may have pulled you down.
Im sorry for everything I might just do.
Im sorry for this lie Im about too say.
But Im fine...So dont worry
No one has seen anything yet, that I may break down soon.
Cause no one has had a chance to look into my eyes.
I know all this regret is just going to turn into built up pain, and anger.
But whatever, it doesnt matter.
The thought that I will have to sneak around to see my friends, in my own home town..
Well thats just killing me, and this music isn't really helping.
Im just gonna walk around with no emotion for the next few days.
That damn bottle keeps calling my name.
Same with that whispering blade..
I may leave for a bit, or just not be around at times.
Disappearing sounds good right about now.
I've just pulled myself deeper into something I was trying to get out of.
But I need to protection from the things I have done.
Things I barly remember, and should never be talked about.
I guess I really am just a bad influence.
Im sorry for everything I've done to everyone that may have pulled you down.
Im sorry for everything I might just do.
Im sorry for this lie Im about too say.
But Im fine...So dont worry
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I've Been Thinking..What If...
The reason kat is soo demanding and soo eiger to get out.. is.. cause your the alternit personality?
My boyfriend Matt said that too me.
The thought of that, well it really gets me thinking, and really fucking worried that he may be right. Kat is just yelling and screaming in my head that, yes its true. But I dont know if it is. It makes me wanna break down and cry cause I dont know what to believe. But shouldnt my birth name be me? Or is it just switched, Kat is really me. Like shes my real personality? Im just so lost with the thought.
I've been reading alot of books and just reading up on split personalitys. Like in one of the books a girl woke up and noticed who she really was, and who she was trying to be. So everything is just confusing the shit outta me. Somedays I just wanna leave, but Im not leaving Lucy and my friends and everyone else who still needs me around. I think I just need to go into another 3 day comma >.<
Nothing really makes sence anymore. The more you know, the less sence anything makes. I also think that if I have it easy at home, everyone else around me gets hell. So should I make my life hell to save everyone else? That be weird if that was true too. See Im just going on with this random shit now, I really dont know what Im saying half the time.
I really dont know who I am, and this kinda proves it even more. I just keep finding reason's to pull myself farther from who I am. Than to finding myself. Might take a life time to know the truth, but I probably never will know. So whats the point in looking for the answer? There probably isn't even a true answer, just some made up shit to make you feel better. Its probably just some lies that will come out saying that "your fine". I'll never really be fine. Its just gonna be another lie to cover up the truth thats really there.
Doesnt this just get you thinking?
My boyfriend Matt said that too me.
The thought of that, well it really gets me thinking, and really fucking worried that he may be right. Kat is just yelling and screaming in my head that, yes its true. But I dont know if it is. It makes me wanna break down and cry cause I dont know what to believe. But shouldnt my birth name be me? Or is it just switched, Kat is really me. Like shes my real personality? Im just so lost with the thought.
I've been reading alot of books and just reading up on split personalitys. Like in one of the books a girl woke up and noticed who she really was, and who she was trying to be. So everything is just confusing the shit outta me. Somedays I just wanna leave, but Im not leaving Lucy and my friends and everyone else who still needs me around. I think I just need to go into another 3 day comma >.<
Nothing really makes sence anymore. The more you know, the less sence anything makes. I also think that if I have it easy at home, everyone else around me gets hell. So should I make my life hell to save everyone else? That be weird if that was true too. See Im just going on with this random shit now, I really dont know what Im saying half the time.
I really dont know who I am, and this kinda proves it even more. I just keep finding reason's to pull myself farther from who I am. Than to finding myself. Might take a life time to know the truth, but I probably never will know. So whats the point in looking for the answer? There probably isn't even a true answer, just some made up shit to make you feel better. Its probably just some lies that will come out saying that "your fine". I'll never really be fine. Its just gonna be another lie to cover up the truth thats really there.
Doesnt this just get you thinking?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Bad Influence
I really dont think I should be around people, I find Im leading them down the path I've taken. Which is the last thing I want anyone to do. I know it may not seem that bad, but you havent heard half of it. You have no idea what I have been threw, and you never really will. You cant understand it, less you do it. And you'll never know, so theres really no point caring on with what Im saying.
Just put it this way, if I wasnt so twisted in the head to be able to handle the things I've done and seen I'd be in a mental institution. Which sometimes I think I just should be there. But instead of it, I just barly eat, sleep, and just try and kill off all the energy in me so I dont have to think. Insomnia and night terror just gets annyoning. Look it up. Its fucked.
If someone else had to relive everything I've done, I dont think they'd be able to do it. They'd say to much and get themselfs killed. They wouldnt be able to hold the thoughts and images down. Unable to block it all out would just drive the person insane.
I just dont know how to deal with anything without being looked at a bad point of view. Even though alot of people may also do it, you know you can do better. But just dont know how too, all you have had was people yelling at you for years saying how bad it is for you, but how can you really know. You havent seen anyone else go threw it, you'd have to watch them everyday to really see it.
I know half the shit I've done in my life is pretty damn stupid, things that could have gotten me killed or into alot of trouble. But no one has been there to show me what would happen if I did it. I need to see it, not just hear it. Theres so many things in my life I wish I have never done or started. I guess I need more help then I think. But its me that has to help myself.
I wish I was a better person to be looked uponed. I wanna be there for you, I try to but everyone looks at it like Im just making it worse. Maybe there right in a way, but I could be alot worse. For you I'll try and get better, or just not do it around you/talk about it. Im trying to be, what your dying to see.
Just put it this way, if I wasnt so twisted in the head to be able to handle the things I've done and seen I'd be in a mental institution. Which sometimes I think I just should be there. But instead of it, I just barly eat, sleep, and just try and kill off all the energy in me so I dont have to think. Insomnia and night terror just gets annyoning. Look it up. Its fucked.
If someone else had to relive everything I've done, I dont think they'd be able to do it. They'd say to much and get themselfs killed. They wouldnt be able to hold the thoughts and images down. Unable to block it all out would just drive the person insane.
I just dont know how to deal with anything without being looked at a bad point of view. Even though alot of people may also do it, you know you can do better. But just dont know how too, all you have had was people yelling at you for years saying how bad it is for you, but how can you really know. You havent seen anyone else go threw it, you'd have to watch them everyday to really see it.
I know half the shit I've done in my life is pretty damn stupid, things that could have gotten me killed or into alot of trouble. But no one has been there to show me what would happen if I did it. I need to see it, not just hear it. Theres so many things in my life I wish I have never done or started. I guess I need more help then I think. But its me that has to help myself.
I wish I was a better person to be looked uponed. I wanna be there for you, I try to but everyone looks at it like Im just making it worse. Maybe there right in a way, but I could be alot worse. For you I'll try and get better, or just not do it around you/talk about it. Im trying to be, what your dying to see.
Monday, August 3, 2009
She Will Always Be There
When I do those things
Drugs, drinking, cutting
Im still not myself.
Maybe I just use her as an excuse to do them,
but I feel as if she takes over then.
The only difference is,
Im aware of her.
I never used to be.
Im not sure if I will remember everything I did as Kat.
Kat:
And I'll be watching her.
Watching out for her.
And if the time comes she needs complete escape,
I will walk for her.
Talk for her.
Take punishment in her place.
Something dont need to be remember.
And I will hold on to those things for her.
Some people believe they can make me go away,
and I'll pretent to let them do there job.
But I will always be the strongest part of her.
So I cant let her dispose of me.
I'll stay quiet,
no more than a dark shadow inside.
Thats what I'll be.
.....But we all know I cant do that,
I just have to much fun.
Drugs, drinking, cutting
Im still not myself.
Maybe I just use her as an excuse to do them,
but I feel as if she takes over then.
The only difference is,
Im aware of her.
I never used to be.
Im not sure if I will remember everything I did as Kat.
Kat:
And I'll be watching her.
Watching out for her.
And if the time comes she needs complete escape,
I will walk for her.
Talk for her.
Take punishment in her place.
Something dont need to be remember.
And I will hold on to those things for her.
Some people believe they can make me go away,
and I'll pretent to let them do there job.
But I will always be the strongest part of her.
So I cant let her dispose of me.
I'll stay quiet,
no more than a dark shadow inside.
Thats what I'll be.
.....But we all know I cant do that,
I just have to much fun.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Just Mask This Pain
The things people say, things they should or shouldn't say. What I wish they did but didn't. Main point is people should really think about what they say and how around me, because it takes so much control from blacking out now and popping them in the face. Kat really cant be tested these days. And I just wish people could understand me better, with how messed up and twisted I really am. But I guess some things are better left unknow..
I feel as if I'm always repeating myself, not even knowing till I really thing about it. Over and over I do the same god damn thing. And always putting myself though guilt trips, since I was so used to them, now I have to do it to myself? Its like I have to find pain to make myself sane. Why do I always go looking for it? Whats wrong with me? It doesnt even feel like Im living half the time. I guess I really am just dying to live again.
Am I really just passing each day like its nothing? Am I even feeling this? I dont even know anymore, I never really knew myself anyways. Im still slowly learning about my past. The things I've forgotten, the things I can never remember. Learning what each scar is from. How bad is that? Waking up with blood and scars all over you, unable to remember anything about it. And once you knew why and how you got them, its just another haunting memory that fallows you forever.
Half the time I dont even know what Im saying, or if its me that is. Sometimes you'll find I'll just be sitting there stairing off at something, really whats going on in my head is either Kat talking to me, telling me something, but usually arguing over nothing. Or sometimes Im remembering something or seeing something I shouldnt see. I can see things before they happen, but never really know when they will, or just cant see enough to change it before it does.
But remember you may have a full conversation without me really knowing. Its just something I dont really have much control over. Kats been out longer then I knew, and I just cant put her away. If someone trys too put her to sleep, she'll find out fast and come after you. Its just to risky, guess I just have to live with this consent headache for the rest of mylife. People really dont see how much pain I am to control myself. I've been hiding it for years, just at times I'll snap. Hiding is what I've been doing best, maybe I should take it to the next level?
I feel as if I'm always repeating myself, not even knowing till I really thing about it. Over and over I do the same god damn thing. And always putting myself though guilt trips, since I was so used to them, now I have to do it to myself? Its like I have to find pain to make myself sane. Why do I always go looking for it? Whats wrong with me? It doesnt even feel like Im living half the time. I guess I really am just dying to live again.
Am I really just passing each day like its nothing? Am I even feeling this? I dont even know anymore, I never really knew myself anyways. Im still slowly learning about my past. The things I've forgotten, the things I can never remember. Learning what each scar is from. How bad is that? Waking up with blood and scars all over you, unable to remember anything about it. And once you knew why and how you got them, its just another haunting memory that fallows you forever.
Half the time I dont even know what Im saying, or if its me that is. Sometimes you'll find I'll just be sitting there stairing off at something, really whats going on in my head is either Kat talking to me, telling me something, but usually arguing over nothing. Or sometimes Im remembering something or seeing something I shouldnt see. I can see things before they happen, but never really know when they will, or just cant see enough to change it before it does.
But remember you may have a full conversation without me really knowing. Its just something I dont really have much control over. Kats been out longer then I knew, and I just cant put her away. If someone trys too put her to sleep, she'll find out fast and come after you. Its just to risky, guess I just have to live with this consent headache for the rest of mylife. People really dont see how much pain I am to control myself. I've been hiding it for years, just at times I'll snap. Hiding is what I've been doing best, maybe I should take it to the next level?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Nights I Lay Up Thinking
People just have to get that I am who I am. Im two different people, I have uncontrolable impulse's at times, and Im bi-polar. Im different from the rest, more then you'll ever get. Everything is all about control for me. And how I think, well put it this way, Im really depressing. Why do people deal with me, I have no idea.
Understanding yourself is harder then you think. But the mind is even harder to get. I've been through alot more then what people think, half my life is blacked out and Im still learning what I have done in my past. Somethings that I wish I didnt have to remember as well. Something that people shouldnt have to live with at young age, or even ever. As time goes on, I find myself hiding more, and being more in fear with myself. Hating everything I've done and lived for.
Im I just as bad as Kat? Or am I really just one person thats going crazy and blames everything on nothing. Am I blaming it on the person thats not really there? Or am I thinking to hard and she real as I am. Im really that outta wack to be able to tell. So I must be really that torn from myself. Im stuck behide a shadow, unable to see infront of myself. I cant keep going on like this, but I guess it just sounds better when no one has to hear it.
Have you ever thought of how one person, one small thing can change your entire path of life. No matter what it is. And knowing a huge part of your life that you'll never know is gone since its changed, or just from one person leaving your life will also effect everyone else's. Everything changes forever. Unable to fix your past. Does that drive you crazy?
Have you ever loved someone so much, but knew they could do better with someone else. Yet you just cant let them go cause there so great to you and you'd regret forever if you did. You want to love them and give them everything. But you ask your self, how do I give what has always been taken?When I close my eyes and hear some people speak. Its like a ecoing voice fading away, dying in the distance.
Understanding yourself is harder then you think. But the mind is even harder to get. I've been through alot more then what people think, half my life is blacked out and Im still learning what I have done in my past. Somethings that I wish I didnt have to remember as well. Something that people shouldnt have to live with at young age, or even ever. As time goes on, I find myself hiding more, and being more in fear with myself. Hating everything I've done and lived for.
Im I just as bad as Kat? Or am I really just one person thats going crazy and blames everything on nothing. Am I blaming it on the person thats not really there? Or am I thinking to hard and she real as I am. Im really that outta wack to be able to tell. So I must be really that torn from myself. Im stuck behide a shadow, unable to see infront of myself. I cant keep going on like this, but I guess it just sounds better when no one has to hear it.
Have you ever thought of how one person, one small thing can change your entire path of life. No matter what it is. And knowing a huge part of your life that you'll never know is gone since its changed, or just from one person leaving your life will also effect everyone else's. Everything changes forever. Unable to fix your past. Does that drive you crazy?
Have you ever loved someone so much, but knew they could do better with someone else. Yet you just cant let them go cause there so great to you and you'd regret forever if you did. You want to love them and give them everything. But you ask your self, how do I give what has always been taken?When I close my eyes and hear some people speak. Its like a ecoing voice fading away, dying in the distance.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The Words Just Keep Coming Out
I lay there listening to my breathing, barly anything going in and out. Heart beat is fading. Not daring to close my eyes, to many dark memorys flooding back. Drowning in all my hopes, now lost. Gone forever, lost in my own head. Trapped, unknowing of where to go, who to trust. How can I trust, believe, and have hope, when I have non in me. Cause I know if I get my hopes up, they'll just end up getting crushed again. I feel numb half the time, most of the time my old life seemed more like a dream than anything real. I just dont wanna think anymore. I dont want to miss anybody or anything.
I know that if you pretend something isnt happening then you dont have to do anything about it. People are pretty good at ignoring what they dont want to believe is going on. Or what they dont wanna see. Havent you noticed that people have to make themselfs believe that the things that they do work to help them. They have to trick themselfs into believing it works, talking about it wont change anything. But it will help at that time. But you have to act to get ride of it, actions speak louder then words.
Nobody chases there dreams anymore, they chase there memorys. But it wouldnt be a dream if it wasnt out of reach. Following their past, trying to fix it, even though they know it never will be like how it used to be. Yet we still try. If we all just decided on whats best for ourselfs, and didnt have to worry about how it would affect anybody else. Dont you think it would be easier that way? You know you sit around hoping for things you cant have, and try to grab on to some ghost that was part of your life. Why do we do it?
Havent you just looked at everyone else then looked at yourself and asked, why do they need me here? And havent you wanted to do something to help someone, but you can barly help yourself. So used to always taking the fall, having the blame and feeling all the pain. Being guilt tripped into so many things that you dont know right from wrong anymore. "Look at yourself and tell me that you do like what you see. That would be a lie, wouldnt it?"
Im still holding onto what used to be, what could have been. Cause you'll always walk away from me, again and again. And as soon as you come back home to me, you leave before I get to know you again, and now your gone for who knows how long.. Im scared its going to be forever.
I know that if you pretend something isnt happening then you dont have to do anything about it. People are pretty good at ignoring what they dont want to believe is going on. Or what they dont wanna see. Havent you noticed that people have to make themselfs believe that the things that they do work to help them. They have to trick themselfs into believing it works, talking about it wont change anything. But it will help at that time. But you have to act to get ride of it, actions speak louder then words.
Nobody chases there dreams anymore, they chase there memorys. But it wouldnt be a dream if it wasnt out of reach. Following their past, trying to fix it, even though they know it never will be like how it used to be. Yet we still try. If we all just decided on whats best for ourselfs, and didnt have to worry about how it would affect anybody else. Dont you think it would be easier that way? You know you sit around hoping for things you cant have, and try to grab on to some ghost that was part of your life. Why do we do it?
Havent you just looked at everyone else then looked at yourself and asked, why do they need me here? And havent you wanted to do something to help someone, but you can barly help yourself. So used to always taking the fall, having the blame and feeling all the pain. Being guilt tripped into so many things that you dont know right from wrong anymore. "Look at yourself and tell me that you do like what you see. That would be a lie, wouldnt it?"
Im still holding onto what used to be, what could have been. Cause you'll always walk away from me, again and again. And as soon as you come back home to me, you leave before I get to know you again, and now your gone for who knows how long.. Im scared its going to be forever.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Two Random Poems
Cut me down
Cut me up
Watch me bleed
Watch me die
See how I go numb
See how the pain has already been done
Throw me to the ground
Beat me
Rape me
Kill me
I dont care
I'll fight till every drop of blood is gone
Im not going anywhere
Till you're dead and gone with me
Cut me up
Watch me bleed
Watch me die
See how I go numb
See how the pain has already been done
Throw me to the ground
Beat me
Rape me
Kill me
I dont care
I'll fight till every drop of blood is gone
Im not going anywhere
Till you're dead and gone with me
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Life Is A Perfect Lie
Things have been going well for me, yet I still have this unwelcomed depressest that comes from no where. I may look fine, but inside I feel as if something is still missing. A part of me isn't there, so as it feels. Im never really sure what to do, I try not to think, I find it best to just not. Just do, dont plan.
People are like a mirror, they either look at them self and hate or love what they see. Or when they look into there own eyes, they cant stand themselfs. Eyes never lie, theres always a story behide them like the image of themself. Like each scar, bruse, broken bone has a story of its own.
Im trying to really clean up my act, but Kat is just holding me back. I keep on slipping back, like Im playing tog-a-war. A constant battle, a war that cant be won. People must realise that she is now apart of me, she'll never leave me. No matter how bad she always fucks up my life. I cant get rid of her, she'll die with me.
Half the things I do are unknow, I dont know what is happening in my own head half the time. I hear people, myself, my other half talking to me, so much talking I dont know what is being said. To much noise, so I sit there in silence trying to take it all in but Im unable too.
People are like a mirror, they either look at them self and hate or love what they see. Or when they look into there own eyes, they cant stand themselfs. Eyes never lie, theres always a story behide them like the image of themself. Like each scar, bruse, broken bone has a story of its own.
Im trying to really clean up my act, but Kat is just holding me back. I keep on slipping back, like Im playing tog-a-war. A constant battle, a war that cant be won. People must realise that she is now apart of me, she'll never leave me. No matter how bad she always fucks up my life. I cant get rid of her, she'll die with me.
Half the things I do are unknow, I dont know what is happening in my own head half the time. I hear people, myself, my other half talking to me, so much talking I dont know what is being said. To much noise, so I sit there in silence trying to take it all in but Im unable too.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The Usual Thinking Thing
I hate this so much. I feel like im going insane. Like I really just dont know what to do with my life anymore. I just wanna die somedays. I really dont know where im going in life. And I really think I should be dead be now.
I've been thinking alot lately. And wish I kinda havent. I've been noticing that I've been hiding again, keeping everything locked up. I dont know whats wrong with me. I feel like im on the edge to breaking down soon, or really snapping, who knows when. I feel like im losing it. I think alot of people are right now in a way.
I feel so frustrated, and lost. And with weird emotions, like I cant control them. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to black out and not be able to come back. I live in fear of myself.
I want to do things and see where it takes me. Not plan it, I just do as things come at me. I "wing it" all the time, thats my whole life right there. I really just dont care...
I've been thinking alot lately. And wish I kinda havent. I've been noticing that I've been hiding again, keeping everything locked up. I dont know whats wrong with me. I feel like im on the edge to breaking down soon, or really snapping, who knows when. I feel like im losing it. I think alot of people are right now in a way.
I feel so frustrated, and lost. And with weird emotions, like I cant control them. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to black out and not be able to come back. I live in fear of myself.
I want to do things and see where it takes me. Not plan it, I just do as things come at me. I "wing it" all the time, thats my whole life right there. I really just dont care...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I Cant Find Myself
I feel as if I keep getting worse. I know I was bad before, but I can feel myself dragging myself back to the ground. Like Im slipping again. I never feel like Im all there. Somethings missing. I dont want to do anything. I dont know what I wanna do with my life, it feels like I shouldnt be here. Like my time has past. I just feel so outta place where ever I go. I always turn to the bottle with my mistake's. But after I just get all depressed again. Theres no ending this. Lost inside this head no one will ever understand.
I keep dreaming im getting into stupid shit and doing alot of hard drugs. Does that mean something? And I keep having that "oh shit, I failed again.." with everyone shaking there heads at me. I wanna try, and do better. But its hard when you just hate everything. I dont understand what set me off to be like this. You cant change a person if they've been like this all there life, its always gonna come along with them.
I just get so angry now, and so fast. I'll get pissed off at stupid small ass things that I dont even care about. But I guess I really do inside. I guess Kats had enough of being pushed around and told what to do. Or I'll be sitting there, and I'll end up getting lost in my own head. Hearing Kat talk and saying shit.. I dont even know what shes saying half the time.
Now I'll start to black out, my hearing and vison will start to fade. I can still feel myself able to move. But I'll freak out, not knowing what to do. Im scared that one day I will fully black out, and something will happen. I dont know what shes gonna do. I dont wanna be lost and gone forever...
I keep dreaming im getting into stupid shit and doing alot of hard drugs. Does that mean something? And I keep having that "oh shit, I failed again.." with everyone shaking there heads at me. I wanna try, and do better. But its hard when you just hate everything. I dont understand what set me off to be like this. You cant change a person if they've been like this all there life, its always gonna come along with them.
I just get so angry now, and so fast. I'll get pissed off at stupid small ass things that I dont even care about. But I guess I really do inside. I guess Kats had enough of being pushed around and told what to do. Or I'll be sitting there, and I'll end up getting lost in my own head. Hearing Kat talk and saying shit.. I dont even know what shes saying half the time.
Now I'll start to black out, my hearing and vison will start to fade. I can still feel myself able to move. But I'll freak out, not knowing what to do. Im scared that one day I will fully black out, and something will happen. I dont know what shes gonna do. I dont wanna be lost and gone forever...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The Point/Life
Whats the point?
All we do is live day by day
Hoping tomorrow will be better then it was today
We're only living to die
Then just dying to live
Wishing you could have done better
And fixing all your mistakes
And having to live with all your regrets
Wishing to forget
Whats the point?
Whats the point anymore...you have to work hard at anything you want. Nothing ever comes easy. Life is all a test.
Life is tough, but we all get by one way or another
The point is to make the best out of everything that is thrown at us, and to deal with it head on.
Know you did it for yourself and worked hard for it and desivered all of it. Just to be happy.
Cause thats just how things are. You have to so you dont die knowing you lived a shitty life, and didnt do a thing about it.
All we do is live day by day
Hoping tomorrow will be better then it was today
We're only living to die
Then just dying to live
Wishing you could have done better
And fixing all your mistakes
And having to live with all your regrets
Wishing to forget
Whats the point?
Whats the point anymore...you have to work hard at anything you want. Nothing ever comes easy. Life is all a test.
Life is tough, but we all get by one way or another
The point is to make the best out of everything that is thrown at us, and to deal with it head on.
Know you did it for yourself and worked hard for it and desivered all of it. Just to be happy.
Cause thats just how things are. You have to so you dont die knowing you lived a shitty life, and didnt do a thing about it.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Dear Dad..
Its been months since I last spoke with you. Last time we saw each other it was May, and well just say we left it off bad. Some days I do miss you, but then I just think back to how stressed you got me. It just feels weird now to even talk to you. I feel nothing between us now. Im just so used to you being gone.
You feel like a stranger to me, but one with a past. I swear I could talk to a complete stranger better then I can with you. Sad part is, its true. I dont even know where to start or how to talk to you.
I know you miss me, but you still dont understand how badly you hurt me. Or fucked me up. Cant see why I do all the drugs and drank my life away? You cant see that your the reason I did all that? Even if you do see it, you cant take the blame. How do I explane it in a nice way? Without hurting you as much as you hurt me.
Even though you killed me in a way, your still my dad. But never think I was daddys little girl. I've been left alone for so long, Im scared cause of you. Its your fault, stop blaming others.
You feel like a stranger to me, but one with a past. I swear I could talk to a complete stranger better then I can with you. Sad part is, its true. I dont even know where to start or how to talk to you.
I know you miss me, but you still dont understand how badly you hurt me. Or fucked me up. Cant see why I do all the drugs and drank my life away? You cant see that your the reason I did all that? Even if you do see it, you cant take the blame. How do I explane it in a nice way? Without hurting you as much as you hurt me.
Even though you killed me in a way, your still my dad. But never think I was daddys little girl. I've been left alone for so long, Im scared cause of you. Its your fault, stop blaming others.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Emotion Poems
Emotions, we all do fear,
For they are always dear.
But we must be brave,
So they wont bring us to our grave.
Can't sleep, way to hot,
So many thought pounding my head.
To many feelings.
Emotions call all be very confusing,
but they can be amusing.
Which can lead to being abusing.
For they are always dear.
But we must be brave,
So they wont bring us to our grave.
Can't sleep, way to hot,
So many thought pounding my head.
To many feelings.
Emotions call all be very confusing,
but they can be amusing.
Which can lead to being abusing.
I Try So Hard
I know I've made alot of bad choices in the past. And no matter what, you'll throw them back at me. Everything I do, of every minute of the day I try and do something good for you, just to make you happy. But I cant, you just dont trust me. It feels that way for me. It feels like I cant do anything right. It puts me down so bad.
You cant hear me crying right now, writing this. You'll probably never think this is even for you. Im gonna end up crying the whole night. I hate crying. Makes me feel like shit. Im gonna be up the whole night wishing to die, and saying I cant do this anymore. I wanna run, but that doesnt solve anything does it. I can barly breath.
And I have a secret you dont know about, something that might make you turn your head. Havent you never noticed the scars on my rists?
You've been more of a father to me then my own. Well cause I never see him. Without you, we would still be living in that house with haunting memorys. I would still be drinking my guts out everyday and end up doing every hard drug out there.
I'd probably be dead by now. Found by my own mother coming home from working overtime. Cause no one was ever home for me. I never really knew were my brother was. But everyone did there own thing to kill the pain we didnt want to face.
I faced it, but no one wanted to hear the truth. So I was alone, and I turned to the bottle. No one was there, no one would notice. They never did, till I was laying there half dead....
You've done alot for me, yes. But I feel so punished for something so little. I know I was told better. Im a teenage, Im not perfect. But you dont understand how hard I try to make you happy. I try to make money, and keep my grades up.
Im just so angry inside, I hate it. I always will be, my past is stuck there, in anger. Why do I feel like theres something wrong with me? This rips me up inside so badly. Why cant I make you happy? Why do I hate myself so much?
When I came home tonight, you didn't even say one word too me, didnt even look at me. Just through me, like everyone else. I just wanna be good.
I've had so much on my mind latly, I dont even know what to do with myself. I push myself everyday. Im living behide a mask. Im sorry..
You cant hear me crying right now, writing this. You'll probably never think this is even for you. Im gonna end up crying the whole night. I hate crying. Makes me feel like shit. Im gonna be up the whole night wishing to die, and saying I cant do this anymore. I wanna run, but that doesnt solve anything does it. I can barly breath.
And I have a secret you dont know about, something that might make you turn your head. Havent you never noticed the scars on my rists?
You've been more of a father to me then my own. Well cause I never see him. Without you, we would still be living in that house with haunting memorys. I would still be drinking my guts out everyday and end up doing every hard drug out there.
I'd probably be dead by now. Found by my own mother coming home from working overtime. Cause no one was ever home for me. I never really knew were my brother was. But everyone did there own thing to kill the pain we didnt want to face.
I faced it, but no one wanted to hear the truth. So I was alone, and I turned to the bottle. No one was there, no one would notice. They never did, till I was laying there half dead....
You've done alot for me, yes. But I feel so punished for something so little. I know I was told better. Im a teenage, Im not perfect. But you dont understand how hard I try to make you happy. I try to make money, and keep my grades up.
Im just so angry inside, I hate it. I always will be, my past is stuck there, in anger. Why do I feel like theres something wrong with me? This rips me up inside so badly. Why cant I make you happy? Why do I hate myself so much?
When I came home tonight, you didn't even say one word too me, didnt even look at me. Just through me, like everyone else. I just wanna be good.
I've had so much on my mind latly, I dont even know what to do with myself. I push myself everyday. Im living behide a mask. Im sorry..
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
That Fix
First I just wanted it
Couldn't wait till that next fix
Anytime I could, I would take it
Now I need it
Its what I've been known to believe
I know I dont really need it
Its all in your head
Its just another habit
Ready to break
But how can you do that
When its the only thing you've ever known
Couldn't wait till that next fix
Anytime I could, I would take it
Now I need it
Its what I've been known to believe
I know I dont really need it
Its all in your head
Its just another habit
Ready to break
But how can you do that
When its the only thing you've ever known
Im A Fuck Up..& You Are?
I really dont understand how people can deal with me. How can they? When first of all I am is just some crazy bitch who comes out of know where and is just being seen everywhere. And judge how I am. Well they have no idea whats going on in my head, do they now?
What can people really see in me? When all I do is fuck up. Ever since I fucked up my own life, I just fuck up everyone else's. Maybe Im just not ment to be, like I feel as if Im half dead walking this world alone. I dont know if I should still be alive. I've been so close to death so many times. But I just wont die! Some days I just wish I never woke up, and pray that I dont have to go through another day.
I just want to drink this wasted life away. I tired to before, but that failed too. More like three times I did. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I just not belong? So I hide away from everyone. Maybe its the best thing to do. Is just to leave me alone.
No one understands me, and no one ever will. I just have to many damn issuses to deal with, and more come eachday.All people do is use and turn around and walk out on me. Its hard to believe when people say they'll be there for me. I know I will for you, as long as you dont push me away. I will never let go of you. Im the type of person that will put my whole life on hold just to help you back up on your feet again.
Its only up to the other person to let go. I wont fully till they do. I will always be there for you. I could care else about myself. What can you see buried inside of me.
How can someone understand me, when I dont even fully understand myself. I fight myself everyday, but you would never know it. I make no sence to myself.
What can people really see in me? When all I do is fuck up. Ever since I fucked up my own life, I just fuck up everyone else's. Maybe Im just not ment to be, like I feel as if Im half dead walking this world alone. I dont know if I should still be alive. I've been so close to death so many times. But I just wont die! Some days I just wish I never woke up, and pray that I dont have to go through another day.
I just want to drink this wasted life away. I tired to before, but that failed too. More like three times I did. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I just not belong? So I hide away from everyone. Maybe its the best thing to do. Is just to leave me alone.
No one understands me, and no one ever will. I just have to many damn issuses to deal with, and more come eachday.All people do is use and turn around and walk out on me. Its hard to believe when people say they'll be there for me. I know I will for you, as long as you dont push me away. I will never let go of you. Im the type of person that will put my whole life on hold just to help you back up on your feet again.
Its only up to the other person to let go. I wont fully till they do. I will always be there for you. I could care else about myself. What can you see buried inside of me.
How can someone understand me, when I dont even fully understand myself. I fight myself everyday, but you would never know it. I make no sence to myself.
Unwanted
Un-needed
Forgotten
Gone
You Say It
You Main Mean It
But I Dont Feel It
Im Here
Your There
Cant Work Like It Used To Be
Wish I Was There
Or An Inbetween
Get A Fix
Slit My Rist's
This Is What Works For Me
I Hate This Feeling
Like Im Here, But Im Not
Like Someone Cares
But I Know They Dont
Like I Belong Somewhere Else,
Anywhere But Here
And Escape Lies Just Past
I try so hard to make
You Happy
But it all just fades away
No matter what I say!
Forgotten
Gone
You Say It
You Main Mean It
But I Dont Feel It
Im Here
Your There
Cant Work Like It Used To Be
Wish I Was There
Or An Inbetween
Get A Fix
Slit My Rist's
This Is What Works For Me
I Hate This Feeling
Like Im Here, But Im Not
Like Someone Cares
But I Know They Dont
Like I Belong Somewhere Else,
Anywhere But Here
And Escape Lies Just Past
I try so hard to make
You Happy
But it all just fades away
No matter what I say!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Looking At Myself
My eyes have finially opened. But there are many questions that must be answered, and its going to have to be done by me. This hit me so fast and hard that it put me into shock that silenced me. I get vison's/flash backs everyday, but I can never solve what it means. Why is that so important that I see it before it happens? That will remain a mystery. And now I cant even sleep, because everytime I dream. I either wake up confused, angry, or fear to do anything. Some just make no sence. And I cant stop myself from seeing it, I have no control over it.
I hate who I've become, the worse part of me has got to me. I knew it would happen, but I did nothing to stop it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Did I want it to take over me like it has now? I try to change back to who I used to be, but I've completely forgotten who that is.
I cant even answer to my own name. I let Kat, my other half, take me over. Push myself down and outta the way. So she can try and have some fun. But all it does is get me into trouble. And she always runs away and lets me deal with her mess. This has been happening for far to long. Long enough to forget the true me.
But the better part of me is still here. Somewhere in there. I think there is still a good part of me, maybe. But barly does that side of me show. My mood swings are deadly at times. One second Im a sweet heart, next Im the last person you wanna piss off and is ready to kill someone. I find that im getting meaner.
I cant find that middle person that I used to have, the one that helped keep Kat under control and so Rebecca can live. Im stuck, and losing everything I worked so hard for. Its so hard to trust anyone, cause I cant even trust myself. No one knows me, how can they? When I barly know myself.
It feels as if I cant say anything now, cause if I do, I dont want anyone to get hurt. No one can face the truth these days. I dont know what to do, Im fighting a war that I shouldnt have to fight, or should be fought. No one should have to fight themselfs this way, not ever. And when there at the point when they cant even lok at themselfs in the mirror. It scares you and makes them create a bigger mistake. Everything makes me wanna run away, but if I do then I'll be proving that all I do is run from my problems and can never solve it.
Its my mind thats driving me crazy, more insane now. Theres two people in there fighting. I was born to be and the one im becoming to be. It controls me to do things that will kill me slowly and hurt the ones around me. They watch me throw my life away and all they do is try and help me. I push them away when I need them the most. But by the time I notice what I've done ther gone and I've become dead to them. But I push them away because I dont drag people down with me.
Im used to always taking the fall, having the blame, and feeling all the pain. Im losing everything. Its hard to even live with myself now. Im lost and I dont know where to turn. Its like nothing really matters to me, and I should just leave. The longer In around the more people get hurt. Now I just want to hide away. I need to take control of this, but how? I dont even know how to deal with myself anymore. Im so sick of myself hurting everyone with everything I do. I just get so over welmend with everything I do. I do things that will damage me.
And I fear for the worst, the people around me getting hurt. Im a druggy and an alcohic, and im getting worse with each passing day. And I dont want to stop, its all I've ever known to make my head shut up. Nothing else really helps me. Cause if I do stop, Im scared I'll go insane. So what should I do? Keep everything locked inside completly? If I do that, I know then only one I would be hurting is myself. So no matter what I do, either wat im gonna lose.
I've ran down the wrong hill at full speed, and I dont know how to stop. Slow down, you'll trip and fall. Speed up, your gonna hit a brick wall.
I hate who I've become, the worse part of me has got to me. I knew it would happen, but I did nothing to stop it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Did I want it to take over me like it has now? I try to change back to who I used to be, but I've completely forgotten who that is.
I cant even answer to my own name. I let Kat, my other half, take me over. Push myself down and outta the way. So she can try and have some fun. But all it does is get me into trouble. And she always runs away and lets me deal with her mess. This has been happening for far to long. Long enough to forget the true me.
But the better part of me is still here. Somewhere in there. I think there is still a good part of me, maybe. But barly does that side of me show. My mood swings are deadly at times. One second Im a sweet heart, next Im the last person you wanna piss off and is ready to kill someone. I find that im getting meaner.
I cant find that middle person that I used to have, the one that helped keep Kat under control and so Rebecca can live. Im stuck, and losing everything I worked so hard for. Its so hard to trust anyone, cause I cant even trust myself. No one knows me, how can they? When I barly know myself.
It feels as if I cant say anything now, cause if I do, I dont want anyone to get hurt. No one can face the truth these days. I dont know what to do, Im fighting a war that I shouldnt have to fight, or should be fought. No one should have to fight themselfs this way, not ever. And when there at the point when they cant even lok at themselfs in the mirror. It scares you and makes them create a bigger mistake. Everything makes me wanna run away, but if I do then I'll be proving that all I do is run from my problems and can never solve it.
Its my mind thats driving me crazy, more insane now. Theres two people in there fighting. I was born to be and the one im becoming to be. It controls me to do things that will kill me slowly and hurt the ones around me. They watch me throw my life away and all they do is try and help me. I push them away when I need them the most. But by the time I notice what I've done ther gone and I've become dead to them. But I push them away because I dont drag people down with me.
Im used to always taking the fall, having the blame, and feeling all the pain. Im losing everything. Its hard to even live with myself now. Im lost and I dont know where to turn. Its like nothing really matters to me, and I should just leave. The longer In around the more people get hurt. Now I just want to hide away. I need to take control of this, but how? I dont even know how to deal with myself anymore. Im so sick of myself hurting everyone with everything I do. I just get so over welmend with everything I do. I do things that will damage me.
And I fear for the worst, the people around me getting hurt. Im a druggy and an alcohic, and im getting worse with each passing day. And I dont want to stop, its all I've ever known to make my head shut up. Nothing else really helps me. Cause if I do stop, Im scared I'll go insane. So what should I do? Keep everything locked inside completly? If I do that, I know then only one I would be hurting is myself. So no matter what I do, either wat im gonna lose.
I've ran down the wrong hill at full speed, and I dont know how to stop. Slow down, you'll trip and fall. Speed up, your gonna hit a brick wall.
How I Think
As the years pass by, I watch myself die. Watch myself suffer, make the wrong choise's and fuck it all up. Its just I dont care. I dont care about what I do or how I live. I used too, but not now. I wanna change. I could try and make things better, but Im used to feeling this much pain. But really, whats the point. I know im gonna end up slipping and back here. Nothing good can really last for me. Someone ends up pushing me. I dont understand. I'll just try to keep myself alive as long as I can. I just cant die, someone wont let me.
People think they know what Im going through. They might have an idea, but they will never fully understand or know. They'll never be able to feel how much pain I've felt inside and out. Sometimes I cant get through a day without screaming or yelling. I dont know why but I like hurting myself, its just a way to get the pain inside out. To much stress and depression, held in me. To many emotions to handle. Will I ever be happy again like I used too? When was the last time I was happy for a long time? Never?
No one will never understand me, cause they have no idea what runs through my head. I have a spilt personality for starters and bi-polar. My head is messed. And im crazy. People have no idea how dangers I can be. Why I have to walk away from some people, is cause If I dont. I'll blackout and kill them.
People think they know what Im going through. They might have an idea, but they will never fully understand or know. They'll never be able to feel how much pain I've felt inside and out. Sometimes I cant get through a day without screaming or yelling. I dont know why but I like hurting myself, its just a way to get the pain inside out. To much stress and depression, held in me. To many emotions to handle. Will I ever be happy again like I used too? When was the last time I was happy for a long time? Never?
No one will never understand me, cause they have no idea what runs through my head. I have a spilt personality for starters and bi-polar. My head is messed. And im crazy. People have no idea how dangers I can be. Why I have to walk away from some people, is cause If I dont. I'll blackout and kill them.
Have You Ever..
Have you ever had so much to say that your mouth closed up tight, struggling to harness the nuclear force coalescing within your words?
Have you ever has so many thoughts churning inside that you didn't dare let them escape, in case they blew you wide open?
Have you ever been so angry that you couldn't look in the mirror for fear of finding the face of evil glaring back at you?
Have you ever tried to quit a bad habit, one that has come to define you? To cease using a substance that you not only need but enjoy? Its going to kill you, but hey, you're going to die someday anyway. Why not die satisfied? Why not die sooner, with fewer regrets, than later?
Crank- Ellen Hopkins
Have you ever has so many thoughts churning inside that you didn't dare let them escape, in case they blew you wide open?
Have you ever been so angry that you couldn't look in the mirror for fear of finding the face of evil glaring back at you?
Have you ever tried to quit a bad habit, one that has come to define you? To cease using a substance that you not only need but enjoy? Its going to kill you, but hey, you're going to die someday anyway. Why not die satisfied? Why not die sooner, with fewer regrets, than later?
Crank- Ellen Hopkins
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Can't You See
Here we go again
You saying it over and over again
I already know, so why do you repeat it again?
Stop bugging me and for the last time
I already fucking know!
Cant you see its all up to me?!
[Chorse]
Cant you see
All this pain in me?
All you do is look right through me
Why cant you see
I dont want you around me?
So stay the fuck away from me!
All you do is hurt me
And hurt the people around me
Your hurting more people then you even know
So just leave me alone
Cause you dont even know
What your doing to me
[Chorse]
Enough is enough
Cant you just get this done and over with?
Maybe your the one not over it
Let go of me
Cause Im letting go of you
So just get over it
Cause Im over you
Why cant you see that?
[Chorse]
Just look at what you've done to me
You distored me
You ended my life
Your the reason why I always fuck up
So dont blame me
Your the reason why Im like this
And I hate you for that
[Bridge]
So just stay away from me
I'll call you when Im ready to see you
I dont want to hurt you
Even though you did it to me
Cause Im the better person
Now can you see?
Your not right for me.
You saying it over and over again
I already know, so why do you repeat it again?
Stop bugging me and for the last time
I already fucking know!
Cant you see its all up to me?!
[Chorse]
Cant you see
All this pain in me?
All you do is look right through me
Why cant you see
I dont want you around me?
So stay the fuck away from me!
All you do is hurt me
And hurt the people around me
Your hurting more people then you even know
So just leave me alone
Cause you dont even know
What your doing to me
[Chorse]
Enough is enough
Cant you just get this done and over with?
Maybe your the one not over it
Let go of me
Cause Im letting go of you
So just get over it
Cause Im over you
Why cant you see that?
[Chorse]
Just look at what you've done to me
You distored me
You ended my life
Your the reason why I always fuck up
So dont blame me
Your the reason why Im like this
And I hate you for that
[Bridge]
So just stay away from me
I'll call you when Im ready to see you
I dont want to hurt you
Even though you did it to me
Cause Im the better person
Now can you see?
Your not right for me.
Online Love
One lonely night I was looking for love
not sure what I would find.
then you clicked yes and we were matched
but it just wasn't the right time.
Days and months and years went by
with nothing more than a few hello
then one night I saw your face
and I knew then, I could never let go.
It started out as something fun
an online romance to pass the time
but one look in those deep eyes
and I knew you would be mine.
Scared to death of what may come
and what may never be,
I took the chance to be with you
hoping you would feel the same for me
Never did I imagine how powerful it would feel
the day we finally touched
you moved my soul like nothing before
your my passion, my desire and my need.
Your touch, your look, when you kiss my face,
a feeling I can never explain,
is inside me forever
and nothing could take it's place.
I have found what I've been searching for
since I can't remember when.
You are the magic in my heart, the fire in my soul
burned so deep within.
not sure what I would find.
then you clicked yes and we were matched
but it just wasn't the right time.
Days and months and years went by
with nothing more than a few hello
then one night I saw your face
and I knew then, I could never let go.
It started out as something fun
an online romance to pass the time
but one look in those deep eyes
and I knew you would be mine.
Scared to death of what may come
and what may never be,
I took the chance to be with you
hoping you would feel the same for me
Never did I imagine how powerful it would feel
the day we finally touched
you moved my soul like nothing before
your my passion, my desire and my need.
Your touch, your look, when you kiss my face,
a feeling I can never explain,
is inside me forever
and nothing could take it's place.
I have found what I've been searching for
since I can't remember when.
You are the magic in my heart, the fire in my soul
burned so deep within.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Scars
These scares on my wrists are just memmories of all the people that hurt me, the cuts i make are to remind me of the pain, but people dont realize what they think makes me crazy, are these cuts that keep me sane.
***13 Signs Of Falling In Love***
13. When your on the phone with them late at night and they hang up...but you miss them already when it was just two minutes ago
12. You read their texts over and over again...
11. You walk really slow when you're with them...
10. You feel shy whenever you're with them...
9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster...
8. You smile when you hear their voice...
7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you... all you see is him/her...
6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them...
5. They become ALL you think about...
4. You get high just from their scent...
3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them...
2. You would do anything for them...
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.... You are fallen in love with him/her
12. You read their texts over and over again...
11. You walk really slow when you're with them...
10. You feel shy whenever you're with them...
9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster...
8. You smile when you hear their voice...
7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you... all you see is him/her...
6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them...
5. They become ALL you think about...
4. You get high just from their scent...
3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them...
2. You would do anything for them...
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.... You are fallen in love with him/her
When A Girl...
> > When a Girl is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind.
> > When a Girl is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.
> > When a Girl looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering > > how> > long you will be around.
> > When a Girl answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds ... she is not at > > all> > fine.
> > When a Girl stares at you ... she is wondering why you are lying.
> > When a Girl lays on your chest ... she is wishing for you to be hers> > forever.
> > When a Girl wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered.
> > When a Girl says ' I love you ' ... she means it.
> > When a Girl says ' I miss you ' ... no one in this world can miss you> > more> > than that. > >
Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person> > ....
> > Find a Guy .. who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
who calls you back> > when you hang up on him.
> > who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who ...> > kisses your forehead.
> > Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who> > holds your hand in front of his friends.
Who is constantly reminding you> > of> > how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Who turns> > to> > his friends and says, ' That's her!! '
> > When a Girl is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.
> > When a Girl looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering > > how> > long you will be around.
> > When a Girl answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds ... she is not at > > all> > fine.
> > When a Girl stares at you ... she is wondering why you are lying.
> > When a Girl lays on your chest ... she is wishing for you to be hers> > forever.
> > When a Girl wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered.
> > When a Girl says ' I love you ' ... she means it.
> > When a Girl says ' I miss you ' ... no one in this world can miss you> > more> > than that. > >
Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person> > ....
> > Find a Guy .. who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
who calls you back> > when you hang up on him.
> > who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who ...> > kisses your forehead.
> > Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who> > holds your hand in front of his friends.
Who is constantly reminding you> > of> > how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Who turns> > to> > his friends and says, ' That's her!! '
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