Looking At Myself

My eyes have finially opened. But there are many questions that must be answered, and its going to have to be done by me. This hit me so fast and hard that it put me into shock that silenced me. I get vison's/flash backs everyday, but I can never solve what it means. Why is that so important that I see it before it happens? That will remain a mystery. And now I cant even sleep, because everytime I dream. I either wake up confused, angry, or fear to do anything. Some just make no sence. And I cant stop myself from seeing it, I have no control over it.

I hate who I've become, the worse part of me has got to me. I knew it would happen, but I did nothing to stop it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Did I want it to take over me like it has now? I try to change back to who I used to be, but I've completely forgotten who that is.

I cant even answer to my own name. I let Kat, my other half, take me over. Push myself down and outta the way. So she can try and have some fun. But all it does is get me into trouble. And she always runs away and lets me deal with her mess. This has been happening for far to long. Long enough to forget the true me.

But the better part of me is still here. Somewhere in there. I think there is still a good part of me, maybe. But barly does that side of me show. My mood swings are deadly at times. One second Im a sweet heart, next Im the last person you wanna piss off and is ready to kill someone. I find that im getting meaner.

I cant find that middle person that I used to have, the one that helped keep Kat under control and so Rebecca can live. Im stuck, and losing everything I worked so hard for. Its so hard to trust anyone, cause I cant even trust myself. No one knows me, how can they? When I barly know myself.

It feels as if I cant say anything now, cause if I do, I dont want anyone to get hurt. No one can face the truth these days. I dont know what to do, Im fighting a war that I shouldnt have to fight, or should be fought. No one should have to fight themselfs this way, not ever. And when there at the point when they cant even lok at themselfs in the mirror. It scares you and makes them create a bigger mistake. Everything makes me wanna run away, but if I do then I'll be proving that all I do is run from my problems and can never solve it.

Its my mind thats driving me crazy, more insane now. Theres two people in there fighting. I was born to be and the one im becoming to be. It controls me to do things that will kill me slowly and hurt the ones around me. They watch me throw my life away and all they do is try and help me. I push them away when I need them the most. But by the time I notice what I've done ther gone and I've become dead to them. But I push them away because I dont drag people down with me.

Im used to always taking the fall, having the blame, and feeling all the pain. Im losing everything. Its hard to even live with myself now. Im lost and I dont know where to turn. Its like nothing really matters to me, and I should just leave. The longer In around the more people get hurt. Now I just want to hide away. I need to take control of this, but how? I dont even know how to deal with myself anymore. Im so sick of myself hurting everyone with everything I do. I just get so over welmend with everything I do. I do things that will damage me.

And I fear for the worst, the people around me getting hurt. Im a druggy and an alcohic, and im getting worse with each passing day. And I dont want to stop, its all I've ever known to make my head shut up. Nothing else really helps me. Cause if I do stop, Im scared I'll go insane. So what should I do? Keep everything locked inside completly? If I do that, I know then only one I would be hurting is myself. So no matter what I do, either wat im gonna lose.

I've ran down the wrong hill at full speed, and I dont know how to stop. Slow down, you'll trip and fall. Speed up, your gonna hit a brick wall.