I Wish I Was...

Skinnyer
Prettyer
Had no frickles
A Clearer face
No Scars on my body..
Nor strech marks
Smarter
Thinner face
Better hair
Bigger boobs
Fit

Ya I know Im being like every girl that says this shit. But I never really do, till now. I just wanted to say this, to get it out. I dont like talking about it, cause usually someone will just yell and say Im wrong so they think I know Im pretty. But this is how mirrors mock me. That and Kat, but thats a different story as you know. When I do look in the mirror and see these things I know some will never happen.

My scars and strech marks may go away..one day. But yea, I dont seem to be helping.
I want my hair to be longer so I can do more with it. So I can just grow that
And I can work out more and stop being lazy.
But the other things I have to wait on.
This shit kinda makes me wanna stop eating all together.
My biggest thing is for a thinner face, that bugs me the most. Always has and will.

I know Im not an ugly fuck.
But I've been starting to compair myself with other girls alot now, and really starting to hate what I see when I look in the mirror.
I dont want to become one those over obsessed girls with how they look.
Or cry at night about it. I've cryed a few times I must say, and have punched a few mirrors.

I guess Im just trying to turn myself into something I cant be.

ps- I feel stupid talking about this

Am I Really?

Half the time it feels like everyone is after me, trying to hurt me. But I know there just trying to help me, but I keep pushing away. I always think its better for no one to know about me, like things would be better. Might be true though. I've noticed that ever since that blade got to me again, I've been keeping alot more inside. I know I havent been talking much about some shit inside. Some thats been locked up in there for years. Maybe somethings are better not to be shared. But I know I should say it.

My head is fucked, I dont understand how I got this way. I have an idea of how I got this way, but guess I wont really know. Maybe it just runs threw my family? I can believe that, cause everyone who knows mum and my bro, they can see something in us is a little outta wack. Really bad memory loss for sure.

People say I may be a bit scitzo, the see signs of it, if its just me and them. Im more my hiden self around alot of people I know, but if I dont know anyone and its just me. Then I just let go and let her out. Hint, why I shouldnt be left alone. Im always testing other people that I dont know, seeing who can/cant handle the other side of me.

Im also very "hot and cold" all the time, they say. Very fast at switching between that too. Its hard to stay in between that, if I am, I feel numb. I get "highs" when Im really happy and jump around. But when im depressed Im stuck in the deep blue. Bi-polar does run in my family on mums side. Holy shit, more I think about this, I think I am...

But what can I do?

Whats Wrong With Me?

I've been seeing things that arent there, like everything turns. Once people are to still, they turn to pastic. Everythings different, nothing seemed real. Like I had to question everything and couldnt stop looking around. Nothing has really seemed real since my last accident, something changed how I look at things now. Things just aint the same.

Like somedays are a blur, I cant remember much in the aftenoons and nights. I find thats when I black out the most. And theres a time of the day where I just get depressed for no reason. I dont know how I get home most days, or how I get to some places. Theres alot in my head that I still havent shared, and shit Im still learning.

I think really unpositive about myself, like who doesnt? But enough to drive yourself to the edge of things. Enough to make time stop, but your mind is running like mad, and that you go numb?I cut myself down so bad to make myself break down. I do it so if someone says something like that to me, I've heard and told myself it before. Your pathetic she always says.

I also freak out alot, like have mini panic attacks inside. Or once I get mad I tence all up and just wanna break whatever I see first, and have no care about it. Sometimes I cant control myself, for its not me. I wanna be the something I'll never get to be again, myself. I really cant seem to find the person I once knew. She so baried deep inside me, I dont think I can find her again. Most people dont know her since shes been lost for so long. I can barly remember myself.

Theres so much more in my head that I dont understand. So many signs to other things that people say I have, I really want to get tested. But Im not sure how. And do I really wanna know whats going on in my head?

Wish I Could Be Better..

I know no one is prefect, but then why do we all try so hard to make everything we do prefect? Im always stuck in this depression, as soon as I get out of it, I always find a new way to fall back into it. I just cant seem to find a way to keep myself outta that whole. Im sorry with what I've become, and who I might be becoming. You dont know the half of it, but I hate myself for it. Im waiting for the day were I cant wake back up, and when shes fully talken over.

I just wish I could be for once better at something else then someone. I give up to easy when I see someone that can beat me, cause if I carry on with it, I'll just get angry and wanna hurt somone. Or when I see someone else is doing the same things I like and do, it feels like there trying to steal my dreams away. Sometimes I wish I was who I used to be, but I know theres no turning back now. Even if I could, I wouldnt know how too.

I just wanna be a better person, I wanna be me but how can I when I barly know who I am half the time. I wish I was so many things else then what I am. So many people what me to do some many different things, but once I start trying to do it, or like something. Someone comes alone and shuts me down.

I've been drinking for the past few days again. Drinking cant even get me to fall asleep now. I wanna quiet smoking, and I've been good with not doing drugs. But Im gonna end up slipping up soon, right? And that damn blade just keeps on calling me.. Fuck..

Life doesnt even feel real anymore. Like Im dreaming or something, unable to really know whats going on or why its happening. I feel like Im just trying to live day by day. Feels like everything is a fog, like when Im blacking out. Things go by to fast, I cant hold onto the moment long enough to noticed what has happened. Most of the time a comma sounds prefect too me. But nothings prefect, right?

Just Keep On Smiling, & Pretend Nothing Is Wrong

...Is just what im doing.
No one has seen anything yet, that I may break down soon.
Cause no one has had a chance to look into my eyes.
I know all this regret is just going to turn into built up pain, and anger.
But whatever, it doesnt matter.

The thought that I will have to sneak around to see my friends, in my own home town..
Well thats just killing me, and this music isn't really helping.
Im just gonna walk around with no emotion for the next few days.
That damn bottle keeps calling my name.
Same with that whispering blade..

I may leave for a bit, or just not be around at times.
Disappearing sounds good right about now.
I've just pulled myself deeper into something I was trying to get out of.
But I need to protection from the things I have done.
Things I barly remember, and should never be talked about.

I guess I really am just a bad influence.
Im sorry for everything I've done to everyone that may have pulled you down.
Im sorry for everything I might just do.
Im sorry for this lie Im about too say.
But Im fine...So dont worry

I've Been Thinking..What If...

The reason kat is soo demanding and soo eiger to get out.. is.. cause your the alternit personality?
My boyfriend Matt said that too me.

The thought of that, well it really gets me thinking, and really fucking worried that he may be right. Kat is just yelling and screaming in my head that, yes its true. But I dont know if it is. It makes me wanna break down and cry cause I dont know what to believe. But shouldnt my birth name be me? Or is it just switched, Kat is really me. Like shes my real personality? Im just so lost with the thought.

I've been reading alot of books and just reading up on split personalitys. Like in one of the books a girl woke up and noticed who she really was, and who she was trying to be. So everything is just confusing the shit outta me. Somedays I just wanna leave, but Im not leaving Lucy and my friends and everyone else who still needs me around. I think I just need to go into another 3 day comma >.<

Nothing really makes sence anymore. The more you know, the less sence anything makes. I also think that if I have it easy at home, everyone else around me gets hell. So should I make my life hell to save everyone else? That be weird if that was true too. See Im just going on with this random shit now, I really dont know what Im saying half the time.

I really dont know who I am, and this kinda proves it even more. I just keep finding reason's to pull myself farther from who I am. Than to finding myself. Might take a life time to know the truth, but I probably never will know. So whats the point in looking for the answer? There probably isn't even a true answer, just some made up shit to make you feel better. Its probably just some lies that will come out saying that "your fine". I'll never really be fine. Its just gonna be another lie to cover up the truth thats really there.

Doesnt this just get you thinking?

Bad Influence

I really dont think I should be around people, I find Im leading them down the path I've taken. Which is the last thing I want anyone to do. I know it may not seem that bad, but you havent heard half of it. You have no idea what I have been threw, and you never really will. You cant understand it, less you do it. And you'll never know, so theres really no point caring on with what Im saying.

Just put it this way, if I wasnt so twisted in the head to be able to handle the things I've done and seen I'd be in a mental institution. Which sometimes I think I just should be there. But instead of it, I just barly eat, sleep, and just try and kill off all the energy in me so I dont have to think. Insomnia and night terror just gets annyoning. Look it up. Its fucked.

If someone else had to relive everything I've done, I dont think they'd be able to do it. They'd say to much and get themselfs killed. They wouldnt be able to hold the thoughts and images down. Unable to block it all out would just drive the person insane.

I just dont know how to deal with anything without being looked at a bad point of view. Even though alot of people may also do it, you know you can do better. But just dont know how too, all you have had was people yelling at you for years saying how bad it is for you, but how can you really know. You havent seen anyone else go threw it, you'd have to watch them everyday to really see it.

I know half the shit I've done in my life is pretty damn stupid, things that could have gotten me killed or into alot of trouble. But no one has been there to show me what would happen if I did it. I need to see it, not just hear it. Theres so many things in my life I wish I have never done or started. I guess I need more help then I think. But its me that has to help myself.

I wish I was a better person to be looked uponed. I wanna be there for you, I try to but everyone looks at it like Im just making it worse. Maybe there right in a way, but I could be alot worse. For you I'll try and get better, or just not do it around you/talk about it. Im trying to be, what your dying to see.