Whats Wrong With Me?

I've been seeing things that arent there, like everything turns. Once people are to still, they turn to pastic. Everythings different, nothing seemed real. Like I had to question everything and couldnt stop looking around. Nothing has really seemed real since my last accident, something changed how I look at things now. Things just aint the same.

Like somedays are a blur, I cant remember much in the aftenoons and nights. I find thats when I black out the most. And theres a time of the day where I just get depressed for no reason. I dont know how I get home most days, or how I get to some places. Theres alot in my head that I still havent shared, and shit Im still learning.

I think really unpositive about myself, like who doesnt? But enough to drive yourself to the edge of things. Enough to make time stop, but your mind is running like mad, and that you go numb?I cut myself down so bad to make myself break down. I do it so if someone says something like that to me, I've heard and told myself it before. Your pathetic she always says.

I also freak out alot, like have mini panic attacks inside. Or once I get mad I tence all up and just wanna break whatever I see first, and have no care about it. Sometimes I cant control myself, for its not me. I wanna be the something I'll never get to be again, myself. I really cant seem to find the person I once knew. She so baried deep inside me, I dont think I can find her again. Most people dont know her since shes been lost for so long. I can barly remember myself.

Theres so much more in my head that I dont understand. So many signs to other things that people say I have, I really want to get tested. But Im not sure how. And do I really wanna know whats going on in my head?

Wish I Could Be Better..

I know no one is prefect, but then why do we all try so hard to make everything we do prefect? Im always stuck in this depression, as soon as I get out of it, I always find a new way to fall back into it. I just cant seem to find a way to keep myself outta that whole. Im sorry with what I've become, and who I might be becoming. You dont know the half of it, but I hate myself for it. Im waiting for the day were I cant wake back up, and when shes fully talken over.

I just wish I could be for once better at something else then someone. I give up to easy when I see someone that can beat me, cause if I carry on with it, I'll just get angry and wanna hurt somone. Or when I see someone else is doing the same things I like and do, it feels like there trying to steal my dreams away. Sometimes I wish I was who I used to be, but I know theres no turning back now. Even if I could, I wouldnt know how too.

I just wanna be a better person, I wanna be me but how can I when I barly know who I am half the time. I wish I was so many things else then what I am. So many people what me to do some many different things, but once I start trying to do it, or like something. Someone comes alone and shuts me down.

I've been drinking for the past few days again. Drinking cant even get me to fall asleep now. I wanna quiet smoking, and I've been good with not doing drugs. But Im gonna end up slipping up soon, right? And that damn blade just keeps on calling me.. Fuck..

Life doesnt even feel real anymore. Like Im dreaming or something, unable to really know whats going on or why its happening. I feel like Im just trying to live day by day. Feels like everything is a fog, like when Im blacking out. Things go by to fast, I cant hold onto the moment long enough to noticed what has happened. Most of the time a comma sounds prefect too me. But nothings prefect, right?

Just Keep On Smiling, & Pretend Nothing Is Wrong

...Is just what im doing.
No one has seen anything yet, that I may break down soon.
Cause no one has had a chance to look into my eyes.
I know all this regret is just going to turn into built up pain, and anger.
But whatever, it doesnt matter.

The thought that I will have to sneak around to see my friends, in my own home town..
Well thats just killing me, and this music isn't really helping.
Im just gonna walk around with no emotion for the next few days.
That damn bottle keeps calling my name.
Same with that whispering blade..

I may leave for a bit, or just not be around at times.
Disappearing sounds good right about now.
I've just pulled myself deeper into something I was trying to get out of.
But I need to protection from the things I have done.
Things I barly remember, and should never be talked about.

I guess I really am just a bad influence.
Im sorry for everything I've done to everyone that may have pulled you down.
Im sorry for everything I might just do.
Im sorry for this lie Im about too say.
But Im fine...So dont worry

I've Been Thinking..What If...

The reason kat is soo demanding and soo eiger to get out.. is.. cause your the alternit personality?
My boyfriend Matt said that too me.

The thought of that, well it really gets me thinking, and really fucking worried that he may be right. Kat is just yelling and screaming in my head that, yes its true. But I dont know if it is. It makes me wanna break down and cry cause I dont know what to believe. But shouldnt my birth name be me? Or is it just switched, Kat is really me. Like shes my real personality? Im just so lost with the thought.

I've been reading alot of books and just reading up on split personalitys. Like in one of the books a girl woke up and noticed who she really was, and who she was trying to be. So everything is just confusing the shit outta me. Somedays I just wanna leave, but Im not leaving Lucy and my friends and everyone else who still needs me around. I think I just need to go into another 3 day comma >.<

Nothing really makes sence anymore. The more you know, the less sence anything makes. I also think that if I have it easy at home, everyone else around me gets hell. So should I make my life hell to save everyone else? That be weird if that was true too. See Im just going on with this random shit now, I really dont know what Im saying half the time.

I really dont know who I am, and this kinda proves it even more. I just keep finding reason's to pull myself farther from who I am. Than to finding myself. Might take a life time to know the truth, but I probably never will know. So whats the point in looking for the answer? There probably isn't even a true answer, just some made up shit to make you feel better. Its probably just some lies that will come out saying that "your fine". I'll never really be fine. Its just gonna be another lie to cover up the truth thats really there.

Doesnt this just get you thinking?

Bad Influence

I really dont think I should be around people, I find Im leading them down the path I've taken. Which is the last thing I want anyone to do. I know it may not seem that bad, but you havent heard half of it. You have no idea what I have been threw, and you never really will. You cant understand it, less you do it. And you'll never know, so theres really no point caring on with what Im saying.

Just put it this way, if I wasnt so twisted in the head to be able to handle the things I've done and seen I'd be in a mental institution. Which sometimes I think I just should be there. But instead of it, I just barly eat, sleep, and just try and kill off all the energy in me so I dont have to think. Insomnia and night terror just gets annyoning. Look it up. Its fucked.

If someone else had to relive everything I've done, I dont think they'd be able to do it. They'd say to much and get themselfs killed. They wouldnt be able to hold the thoughts and images down. Unable to block it all out would just drive the person insane.

I just dont know how to deal with anything without being looked at a bad point of view. Even though alot of people may also do it, you know you can do better. But just dont know how too, all you have had was people yelling at you for years saying how bad it is for you, but how can you really know. You havent seen anyone else go threw it, you'd have to watch them everyday to really see it.

I know half the shit I've done in my life is pretty damn stupid, things that could have gotten me killed or into alot of trouble. But no one has been there to show me what would happen if I did it. I need to see it, not just hear it. Theres so many things in my life I wish I have never done or started. I guess I need more help then I think. But its me that has to help myself.

I wish I was a better person to be looked uponed. I wanna be there for you, I try to but everyone looks at it like Im just making it worse. Maybe there right in a way, but I could be alot worse. For you I'll try and get better, or just not do it around you/talk about it. Im trying to be, what your dying to see.

She Will Always Be There

When I do those things
Drugs, drinking, cutting
Im still not myself.
Maybe I just use her as an excuse to do them,
but I feel as if she takes over then.
The only difference is,
Im aware of her.
I never used to be.
Im not sure if I will remember everything I did as Kat.

Kat:
And I'll be watching her.
Watching out for her.
And if the time comes she needs complete escape,
I will walk for her.
Talk for her.
Take punishment in her place.
Something dont need to be remember.
And I will hold on to those things for her.
Some people believe they can make me go away,
and I'll pretent to let them do there job.
But I will always be the strongest part of her.
So I cant let her dispose of me.
I'll stay quiet,
no more than a dark shadow inside.
Thats what I'll be.
.....But we all know I cant do that,
I just have to much fun.

Just Mask This Pain

The things people say, things they should or shouldn't say. What I wish they did but didn't. Main point is people should really think about what they say and how around me, because it takes so much control from blacking out now and popping them in the face. Kat really cant be tested these days. And I just wish people could understand me better, with how messed up and twisted I really am. But I guess some things are better left unknow..

I feel as if I'm always repeating myself, not even knowing till I really thing about it. Over and over I do the same god damn thing. And always putting myself though guilt trips, since I was so used to them, now I have to do it to myself? Its like I have to find pain to make myself sane. Why do I always go looking for it? Whats wrong with me? It doesnt even feel like Im living half the time. I guess I really am just dying to live again.

Am I really just passing each day like its nothing? Am I even feeling this? I dont even know anymore, I never really knew myself anyways. Im still slowly learning about my past. The things I've forgotten, the things I can never remember. Learning what each scar is from. How bad is that? Waking up with blood and scars all over you, unable to remember anything about it. And once you knew why and how you got them, its just another haunting memory that fallows you forever.

Half the time I dont even know what Im saying, or if its me that is. Sometimes you'll find I'll just be sitting there stairing off at something, really whats going on in my head is either Kat talking to me, telling me something, but usually arguing over nothing. Or sometimes Im remembering something or seeing something I shouldnt see. I can see things before they happen, but never really know when they will, or just cant see enough to change it before it does.

But remember you may have a full conversation without me really knowing. Its just something I dont really have much control over. Kats been out longer then I knew, and I just cant put her away. If someone trys too put her to sleep, she'll find out fast and come after you. Its just to risky, guess I just have to live with this consent headache for the rest of mylife. People really dont see how much pain I am to control myself. I've been hiding it for years, just at times I'll snap. Hiding is what I've been doing best, maybe I should take it to the next level?