Just Keep On Smiling, & Pretend Nothing Is Wrong

...Is just what im doing.
No one has seen anything yet, that I may break down soon.
Cause no one has had a chance to look into my eyes.
I know all this regret is just going to turn into built up pain, and anger.
But whatever, it doesnt matter.

The thought that I will have to sneak around to see my friends, in my own home town..
Well thats just killing me, and this music isn't really helping.
Im just gonna walk around with no emotion for the next few days.
That damn bottle keeps calling my name.
Same with that whispering blade..

I may leave for a bit, or just not be around at times.
Disappearing sounds good right about now.
I've just pulled myself deeper into something I was trying to get out of.
But I need to protection from the things I have done.
Things I barly remember, and should never be talked about.

I guess I really am just a bad influence.
Im sorry for everything I've done to everyone that may have pulled you down.
Im sorry for everything I might just do.
Im sorry for this lie Im about too say.
But Im fine...So dont worry

I've Been Thinking..What If...

The reason kat is soo demanding and soo eiger to get out.. is.. cause your the alternit personality?
My boyfriend Matt said that too me.

The thought of that, well it really gets me thinking, and really fucking worried that he may be right. Kat is just yelling and screaming in my head that, yes its true. But I dont know if it is. It makes me wanna break down and cry cause I dont know what to believe. But shouldnt my birth name be me? Or is it just switched, Kat is really me. Like shes my real personality? Im just so lost with the thought.

I've been reading alot of books and just reading up on split personalitys. Like in one of the books a girl woke up and noticed who she really was, and who she was trying to be. So everything is just confusing the shit outta me. Somedays I just wanna leave, but Im not leaving Lucy and my friends and everyone else who still needs me around. I think I just need to go into another 3 day comma >.<

Nothing really makes sence anymore. The more you know, the less sence anything makes. I also think that if I have it easy at home, everyone else around me gets hell. So should I make my life hell to save everyone else? That be weird if that was true too. See Im just going on with this random shit now, I really dont know what Im saying half the time.

I really dont know who I am, and this kinda proves it even more. I just keep finding reason's to pull myself farther from who I am. Than to finding myself. Might take a life time to know the truth, but I probably never will know. So whats the point in looking for the answer? There probably isn't even a true answer, just some made up shit to make you feel better. Its probably just some lies that will come out saying that "your fine". I'll never really be fine. Its just gonna be another lie to cover up the truth thats really there.

Doesnt this just get you thinking?

Bad Influence

I really dont think I should be around people, I find Im leading them down the path I've taken. Which is the last thing I want anyone to do. I know it may not seem that bad, but you havent heard half of it. You have no idea what I have been threw, and you never really will. You cant understand it, less you do it. And you'll never know, so theres really no point caring on with what Im saying.

Just put it this way, if I wasnt so twisted in the head to be able to handle the things I've done and seen I'd be in a mental institution. Which sometimes I think I just should be there. But instead of it, I just barly eat, sleep, and just try and kill off all the energy in me so I dont have to think. Insomnia and night terror just gets annyoning. Look it up. Its fucked.

If someone else had to relive everything I've done, I dont think they'd be able to do it. They'd say to much and get themselfs killed. They wouldnt be able to hold the thoughts and images down. Unable to block it all out would just drive the person insane.

I just dont know how to deal with anything without being looked at a bad point of view. Even though alot of people may also do it, you know you can do better. But just dont know how too, all you have had was people yelling at you for years saying how bad it is for you, but how can you really know. You havent seen anyone else go threw it, you'd have to watch them everyday to really see it.

I know half the shit I've done in my life is pretty damn stupid, things that could have gotten me killed or into alot of trouble. But no one has been there to show me what would happen if I did it. I need to see it, not just hear it. Theres so many things in my life I wish I have never done or started. I guess I need more help then I think. But its me that has to help myself.

I wish I was a better person to be looked uponed. I wanna be there for you, I try to but everyone looks at it like Im just making it worse. Maybe there right in a way, but I could be alot worse. For you I'll try and get better, or just not do it around you/talk about it. Im trying to be, what your dying to see.

She Will Always Be There

When I do those things
Drugs, drinking, cutting
Im still not myself.
Maybe I just use her as an excuse to do them,
but I feel as if she takes over then.
The only difference is,
Im aware of her.
I never used to be.
Im not sure if I will remember everything I did as Kat.

Kat:
And I'll be watching her.
Watching out for her.
And if the time comes she needs complete escape,
I will walk for her.
Talk for her.
Take punishment in her place.
Something dont need to be remember.
And I will hold on to those things for her.
Some people believe they can make me go away,
and I'll pretent to let them do there job.
But I will always be the strongest part of her.
So I cant let her dispose of me.
I'll stay quiet,
no more than a dark shadow inside.
Thats what I'll be.
.....But we all know I cant do that,
I just have to much fun.

Just Mask This Pain

The things people say, things they should or shouldn't say. What I wish they did but didn't. Main point is people should really think about what they say and how around me, because it takes so much control from blacking out now and popping them in the face. Kat really cant be tested these days. And I just wish people could understand me better, with how messed up and twisted I really am. But I guess some things are better left unknow..

I feel as if I'm always repeating myself, not even knowing till I really thing about it. Over and over I do the same god damn thing. And always putting myself though guilt trips, since I was so used to them, now I have to do it to myself? Its like I have to find pain to make myself sane. Why do I always go looking for it? Whats wrong with me? It doesnt even feel like Im living half the time. I guess I really am just dying to live again.

Am I really just passing each day like its nothing? Am I even feeling this? I dont even know anymore, I never really knew myself anyways. Im still slowly learning about my past. The things I've forgotten, the things I can never remember. Learning what each scar is from. How bad is that? Waking up with blood and scars all over you, unable to remember anything about it. And once you knew why and how you got them, its just another haunting memory that fallows you forever.

Half the time I dont even know what Im saying, or if its me that is. Sometimes you'll find I'll just be sitting there stairing off at something, really whats going on in my head is either Kat talking to me, telling me something, but usually arguing over nothing. Or sometimes Im remembering something or seeing something I shouldnt see. I can see things before they happen, but never really know when they will, or just cant see enough to change it before it does.

But remember you may have a full conversation without me really knowing. Its just something I dont really have much control over. Kats been out longer then I knew, and I just cant put her away. If someone trys too put her to sleep, she'll find out fast and come after you. Its just to risky, guess I just have to live with this consent headache for the rest of mylife. People really dont see how much pain I am to control myself. I've been hiding it for years, just at times I'll snap. Hiding is what I've been doing best, maybe I should take it to the next level?

The Nights I Lay Up Thinking

People just have to get that I am who I am. Im two different people, I have uncontrolable impulse's at times, and Im bi-polar. Im different from the rest, more then you'll ever get. Everything is all about control for me. And how I think, well put it this way, Im really depressing. Why do people deal with me, I have no idea.

Understanding yourself is harder then you think. But the mind is even harder to get. I've been through alot more then what people think, half my life is blacked out and Im still learning what I have done in my past. Somethings that I wish I didnt have to remember as well. Something that people shouldnt have to live with at young age, or even ever. As time goes on, I find myself hiding more, and being more in fear with myself. Hating everything I've done and lived for.

Im I just as bad as Kat? Or am I really just one person thats going crazy and blames everything on nothing. Am I blaming it on the person thats not really there? Or am I thinking to hard and she real as I am. Im really that outta wack to be able to tell. So I must be really that torn from myself. Im stuck behide a shadow, unable to see infront of myself. I cant keep going on like this, but I guess it just sounds better when no one has to hear it.

Have you ever thought of how one person, one small thing can change your entire path of life. No matter what it is. And knowing a huge part of your life that you'll never know is gone since its changed, or just from one person leaving your life will also effect everyone else's. Everything changes forever. Unable to fix your past. Does that drive you crazy?

Have you ever loved someone so much, but knew they could do better with someone else. Yet you just cant let them go cause there so great to you and you'd regret forever if you did. You want to love them and give them everything. But you ask your self, how do I give what has always been taken?When I close my eyes and hear some people speak. Its like a ecoing voice fading away, dying in the distance.

The Words Just Keep Coming Out

I lay there listening to my breathing, barly anything going in and out. Heart beat is fading. Not daring to close my eyes, to many dark memorys flooding back. Drowning in all my hopes, now lost. Gone forever, lost in my own head. Trapped, unknowing of where to go, who to trust. How can I trust, believe, and have hope, when I have non in me. Cause I know if I get my hopes up, they'll just end up getting crushed again. I feel numb half the time, most of the time my old life seemed more like a dream than anything real. I just dont wanna think anymore. I dont want to miss anybody or anything.

I know that if you pretend something isnt happening then you dont have to do anything about it. People are pretty good at ignoring what they dont want to believe is going on. Or what they dont wanna see. Havent you noticed that people have to make themselfs believe that the things that they do work to help them. They have to trick themselfs into believing it works, talking about it wont change anything. But it will help at that time. But you have to act to get ride of it, actions speak louder then words.

Nobody chases there dreams anymore, they chase there memorys. But it wouldnt be a dream if it wasnt out of reach. Following their past, trying to fix it, even though they know it never will be like how it used to be. Yet we still try. If we all just decided on whats best for ourselfs, and didnt have to worry about how it would affect anybody else. Dont you think it would be easier that way? You know you sit around hoping for things you cant have, and try to grab on to some ghost that was part of your life. Why do we do it?

Havent you just looked at everyone else then looked at yourself and asked, why do they need me here? And havent you wanted to do something to help someone, but you can barly help yourself. So used to always taking the fall, having the blame and feeling all the pain. Being guilt tripped into so many things that you dont know right from wrong anymore. "Look at yourself and tell me that you do like what you see. That would be a lie, wouldnt it?"

Im still holding onto what used to be, what could have been. Cause you'll always walk away from me, again and again. And as soon as you come back home to me, you leave before I get to know you again, and now your gone for who knows how long.. Im scared its going to be forever.