Emotions, we all do fear,
For they are always dear.
But we must be brave,
So they wont bring us to our grave.
Can't sleep, way to hot,
So many thought pounding my head.
To many feelings.
Emotions call all be very confusing,
but they can be amusing.
Which can lead to being abusing.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I Try So Hard
I know I've made alot of bad choices in the past. And no matter what, you'll throw them back at me. Everything I do, of every minute of the day I try and do something good for you, just to make you happy. But I cant, you just dont trust me. It feels that way for me. It feels like I cant do anything right. It puts me down so bad.
You cant hear me crying right now, writing this. You'll probably never think this is even for you. Im gonna end up crying the whole night. I hate crying. Makes me feel like shit. Im gonna be up the whole night wishing to die, and saying I cant do this anymore. I wanna run, but that doesnt solve anything does it. I can barly breath.
And I have a secret you dont know about, something that might make you turn your head. Havent you never noticed the scars on my rists?
You've been more of a father to me then my own. Well cause I never see him. Without you, we would still be living in that house with haunting memorys. I would still be drinking my guts out everyday and end up doing every hard drug out there.
I'd probably be dead by now. Found by my own mother coming home from working overtime. Cause no one was ever home for me. I never really knew were my brother was. But everyone did there own thing to kill the pain we didnt want to face.
I faced it, but no one wanted to hear the truth. So I was alone, and I turned to the bottle. No one was there, no one would notice. They never did, till I was laying there half dead....
You've done alot for me, yes. But I feel so punished for something so little. I know I was told better. Im a teenage, Im not perfect. But you dont understand how hard I try to make you happy. I try to make money, and keep my grades up.
Im just so angry inside, I hate it. I always will be, my past is stuck there, in anger. Why do I feel like theres something wrong with me? This rips me up inside so badly. Why cant I make you happy? Why do I hate myself so much?
When I came home tonight, you didn't even say one word too me, didnt even look at me. Just through me, like everyone else. I just wanna be good.
I've had so much on my mind latly, I dont even know what to do with myself. I push myself everyday. Im living behide a mask. Im sorry..
You cant hear me crying right now, writing this. You'll probably never think this is even for you. Im gonna end up crying the whole night. I hate crying. Makes me feel like shit. Im gonna be up the whole night wishing to die, and saying I cant do this anymore. I wanna run, but that doesnt solve anything does it. I can barly breath.
And I have a secret you dont know about, something that might make you turn your head. Havent you never noticed the scars on my rists?
You've been more of a father to me then my own. Well cause I never see him. Without you, we would still be living in that house with haunting memorys. I would still be drinking my guts out everyday and end up doing every hard drug out there.
I'd probably be dead by now. Found by my own mother coming home from working overtime. Cause no one was ever home for me. I never really knew were my brother was. But everyone did there own thing to kill the pain we didnt want to face.
I faced it, but no one wanted to hear the truth. So I was alone, and I turned to the bottle. No one was there, no one would notice. They never did, till I was laying there half dead....
You've done alot for me, yes. But I feel so punished for something so little. I know I was told better. Im a teenage, Im not perfect. But you dont understand how hard I try to make you happy. I try to make money, and keep my grades up.
Im just so angry inside, I hate it. I always will be, my past is stuck there, in anger. Why do I feel like theres something wrong with me? This rips me up inside so badly. Why cant I make you happy? Why do I hate myself so much?
When I came home tonight, you didn't even say one word too me, didnt even look at me. Just through me, like everyone else. I just wanna be good.
I've had so much on my mind latly, I dont even know what to do with myself. I push myself everyday. Im living behide a mask. Im sorry..
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
That Fix
First I just wanted it
Couldn't wait till that next fix
Anytime I could, I would take it
Now I need it
Its what I've been known to believe
I know I dont really need it
Its all in your head
Its just another habit
Ready to break
But how can you do that
When its the only thing you've ever known
Couldn't wait till that next fix
Anytime I could, I would take it
Now I need it
Its what I've been known to believe
I know I dont really need it
Its all in your head
Its just another habit
Ready to break
But how can you do that
When its the only thing you've ever known
Im A Fuck Up..& You Are?
I really dont understand how people can deal with me. How can they? When first of all I am is just some crazy bitch who comes out of know where and is just being seen everywhere. And judge how I am. Well they have no idea whats going on in my head, do they now?
What can people really see in me? When all I do is fuck up. Ever since I fucked up my own life, I just fuck up everyone else's. Maybe Im just not ment to be, like I feel as if Im half dead walking this world alone. I dont know if I should still be alive. I've been so close to death so many times. But I just wont die! Some days I just wish I never woke up, and pray that I dont have to go through another day.
I just want to drink this wasted life away. I tired to before, but that failed too. More like three times I did. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I just not belong? So I hide away from everyone. Maybe its the best thing to do. Is just to leave me alone.
No one understands me, and no one ever will. I just have to many damn issuses to deal with, and more come eachday.All people do is use and turn around and walk out on me. Its hard to believe when people say they'll be there for me. I know I will for you, as long as you dont push me away. I will never let go of you. Im the type of person that will put my whole life on hold just to help you back up on your feet again.
Its only up to the other person to let go. I wont fully till they do. I will always be there for you. I could care else about myself. What can you see buried inside of me.
How can someone understand me, when I dont even fully understand myself. I fight myself everyday, but you would never know it. I make no sence to myself.
What can people really see in me? When all I do is fuck up. Ever since I fucked up my own life, I just fuck up everyone else's. Maybe Im just not ment to be, like I feel as if Im half dead walking this world alone. I dont know if I should still be alive. I've been so close to death so many times. But I just wont die! Some days I just wish I never woke up, and pray that I dont have to go through another day.
I just want to drink this wasted life away. I tired to before, but that failed too. More like three times I did. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I just not belong? So I hide away from everyone. Maybe its the best thing to do. Is just to leave me alone.
No one understands me, and no one ever will. I just have to many damn issuses to deal with, and more come eachday.All people do is use and turn around and walk out on me. Its hard to believe when people say they'll be there for me. I know I will for you, as long as you dont push me away. I will never let go of you. Im the type of person that will put my whole life on hold just to help you back up on your feet again.
Its only up to the other person to let go. I wont fully till they do. I will always be there for you. I could care else about myself. What can you see buried inside of me.
How can someone understand me, when I dont even fully understand myself. I fight myself everyday, but you would never know it. I make no sence to myself.
Unwanted
Un-needed
Forgotten
Gone
You Say It
You Main Mean It
But I Dont Feel It
Im Here
Your There
Cant Work Like It Used To Be
Wish I Was There
Or An Inbetween
Get A Fix
Slit My Rist's
This Is What Works For Me
I Hate This Feeling
Like Im Here, But Im Not
Like Someone Cares
But I Know They Dont
Like I Belong Somewhere Else,
Anywhere But Here
And Escape Lies Just Past
I try so hard to make
You Happy
But it all just fades away
No matter what I say!
Forgotten
Gone
You Say It
You Main Mean It
But I Dont Feel It
Im Here
Your There
Cant Work Like It Used To Be
Wish I Was There
Or An Inbetween
Get A Fix
Slit My Rist's
This Is What Works For Me
I Hate This Feeling
Like Im Here, But Im Not
Like Someone Cares
But I Know They Dont
Like I Belong Somewhere Else,
Anywhere But Here
And Escape Lies Just Past
I try so hard to make
You Happy
But it all just fades away
No matter what I say!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Looking At Myself
My eyes have finially opened. But there are many questions that must be answered, and its going to have to be done by me. This hit me so fast and hard that it put me into shock that silenced me. I get vison's/flash backs everyday, but I can never solve what it means. Why is that so important that I see it before it happens? That will remain a mystery. And now I cant even sleep, because everytime I dream. I either wake up confused, angry, or fear to do anything. Some just make no sence. And I cant stop myself from seeing it, I have no control over it.
I hate who I've become, the worse part of me has got to me. I knew it would happen, but I did nothing to stop it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Did I want it to take over me like it has now? I try to change back to who I used to be, but I've completely forgotten who that is.
I cant even answer to my own name. I let Kat, my other half, take me over. Push myself down and outta the way. So she can try and have some fun. But all it does is get me into trouble. And she always runs away and lets me deal with her mess. This has been happening for far to long. Long enough to forget the true me.
But the better part of me is still here. Somewhere in there. I think there is still a good part of me, maybe. But barly does that side of me show. My mood swings are deadly at times. One second Im a sweet heart, next Im the last person you wanna piss off and is ready to kill someone. I find that im getting meaner.
I cant find that middle person that I used to have, the one that helped keep Kat under control and so Rebecca can live. Im stuck, and losing everything I worked so hard for. Its so hard to trust anyone, cause I cant even trust myself. No one knows me, how can they? When I barly know myself.
It feels as if I cant say anything now, cause if I do, I dont want anyone to get hurt. No one can face the truth these days. I dont know what to do, Im fighting a war that I shouldnt have to fight, or should be fought. No one should have to fight themselfs this way, not ever. And when there at the point when they cant even lok at themselfs in the mirror. It scares you and makes them create a bigger mistake. Everything makes me wanna run away, but if I do then I'll be proving that all I do is run from my problems and can never solve it.
Its my mind thats driving me crazy, more insane now. Theres two people in there fighting. I was born to be and the one im becoming to be. It controls me to do things that will kill me slowly and hurt the ones around me. They watch me throw my life away and all they do is try and help me. I push them away when I need them the most. But by the time I notice what I've done ther gone and I've become dead to them. But I push them away because I dont drag people down with me.
Im used to always taking the fall, having the blame, and feeling all the pain. Im losing everything. Its hard to even live with myself now. Im lost and I dont know where to turn. Its like nothing really matters to me, and I should just leave. The longer In around the more people get hurt. Now I just want to hide away. I need to take control of this, but how? I dont even know how to deal with myself anymore. Im so sick of myself hurting everyone with everything I do. I just get so over welmend with everything I do. I do things that will damage me.
And I fear for the worst, the people around me getting hurt. Im a druggy and an alcohic, and im getting worse with each passing day. And I dont want to stop, its all I've ever known to make my head shut up. Nothing else really helps me. Cause if I do stop, Im scared I'll go insane. So what should I do? Keep everything locked inside completly? If I do that, I know then only one I would be hurting is myself. So no matter what I do, either wat im gonna lose.
I've ran down the wrong hill at full speed, and I dont know how to stop. Slow down, you'll trip and fall. Speed up, your gonna hit a brick wall.
I hate who I've become, the worse part of me has got to me. I knew it would happen, but I did nothing to stop it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Did I want it to take over me like it has now? I try to change back to who I used to be, but I've completely forgotten who that is.
I cant even answer to my own name. I let Kat, my other half, take me over. Push myself down and outta the way. So she can try and have some fun. But all it does is get me into trouble. And she always runs away and lets me deal with her mess. This has been happening for far to long. Long enough to forget the true me.
But the better part of me is still here. Somewhere in there. I think there is still a good part of me, maybe. But barly does that side of me show. My mood swings are deadly at times. One second Im a sweet heart, next Im the last person you wanna piss off and is ready to kill someone. I find that im getting meaner.
I cant find that middle person that I used to have, the one that helped keep Kat under control and so Rebecca can live. Im stuck, and losing everything I worked so hard for. Its so hard to trust anyone, cause I cant even trust myself. No one knows me, how can they? When I barly know myself.
It feels as if I cant say anything now, cause if I do, I dont want anyone to get hurt. No one can face the truth these days. I dont know what to do, Im fighting a war that I shouldnt have to fight, or should be fought. No one should have to fight themselfs this way, not ever. And when there at the point when they cant even lok at themselfs in the mirror. It scares you and makes them create a bigger mistake. Everything makes me wanna run away, but if I do then I'll be proving that all I do is run from my problems and can never solve it.
Its my mind thats driving me crazy, more insane now. Theres two people in there fighting. I was born to be and the one im becoming to be. It controls me to do things that will kill me slowly and hurt the ones around me. They watch me throw my life away and all they do is try and help me. I push them away when I need them the most. But by the time I notice what I've done ther gone and I've become dead to them. But I push them away because I dont drag people down with me.
Im used to always taking the fall, having the blame, and feeling all the pain. Im losing everything. Its hard to even live with myself now. Im lost and I dont know where to turn. Its like nothing really matters to me, and I should just leave. The longer In around the more people get hurt. Now I just want to hide away. I need to take control of this, but how? I dont even know how to deal with myself anymore. Im so sick of myself hurting everyone with everything I do. I just get so over welmend with everything I do. I do things that will damage me.
And I fear for the worst, the people around me getting hurt. Im a druggy and an alcohic, and im getting worse with each passing day. And I dont want to stop, its all I've ever known to make my head shut up. Nothing else really helps me. Cause if I do stop, Im scared I'll go insane. So what should I do? Keep everything locked inside completly? If I do that, I know then only one I would be hurting is myself. So no matter what I do, either wat im gonna lose.
I've ran down the wrong hill at full speed, and I dont know how to stop. Slow down, you'll trip and fall. Speed up, your gonna hit a brick wall.
How I Think
As the years pass by, I watch myself die. Watch myself suffer, make the wrong choise's and fuck it all up. Its just I dont care. I dont care about what I do or how I live. I used too, but not now. I wanna change. I could try and make things better, but Im used to feeling this much pain. But really, whats the point. I know im gonna end up slipping and back here. Nothing good can really last for me. Someone ends up pushing me. I dont understand. I'll just try to keep myself alive as long as I can. I just cant die, someone wont let me.
People think they know what Im going through. They might have an idea, but they will never fully understand or know. They'll never be able to feel how much pain I've felt inside and out. Sometimes I cant get through a day without screaming or yelling. I dont know why but I like hurting myself, its just a way to get the pain inside out. To much stress and depression, held in me. To many emotions to handle. Will I ever be happy again like I used too? When was the last time I was happy for a long time? Never?
No one will never understand me, cause they have no idea what runs through my head. I have a spilt personality for starters and bi-polar. My head is messed. And im crazy. People have no idea how dangers I can be. Why I have to walk away from some people, is cause If I dont. I'll blackout and kill them.
People think they know what Im going through. They might have an idea, but they will never fully understand or know. They'll never be able to feel how much pain I've felt inside and out. Sometimes I cant get through a day without screaming or yelling. I dont know why but I like hurting myself, its just a way to get the pain inside out. To much stress and depression, held in me. To many emotions to handle. Will I ever be happy again like I used too? When was the last time I was happy for a long time? Never?
No one will never understand me, cause they have no idea what runs through my head. I have a spilt personality for starters and bi-polar. My head is messed. And im crazy. People have no idea how dangers I can be. Why I have to walk away from some people, is cause If I dont. I'll blackout and kill them.
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