Life Is A Perfect Lie

Things have been going well for me, yet I still have this unwelcomed depressest that comes from no where. I may look fine, but inside I feel as if something is still missing. A part of me isn't there, so as it feels. Im never really sure what to do, I try not to think, I find it best to just not. Just do, dont plan.

People are like a mirror, they either look at them self and hate or love what they see. Or when they look into there own eyes, they cant stand themselfs. Eyes never lie, theres always a story behide them like the image of themself. Like each scar, bruse, broken bone has a story of its own.

Im trying to really clean up my act, but Kat is just holding me back. I keep on slipping back, like Im playing tog-a-war. A constant battle, a war that cant be won. People must realise that she is now apart of me, she'll never leave me. No matter how bad she always fucks up my life. I cant get rid of her, she'll die with me.

Half the things I do are unknow, I dont know what is happening in my own head half the time. I hear people, myself, my other half talking to me, so much talking I dont know what is being said. To much noise, so I sit there in silence trying to take it all in but Im unable too.

The Usual Thinking Thing

I hate this so much. I feel like im going insane. Like I really just dont know what to do with my life anymore. I just wanna die somedays. I really dont know where im going in life. And I really think I should be dead be now.

I've been thinking alot lately. And wish I kinda havent. I've been noticing that I've been hiding again, keeping everything locked up. I dont know whats wrong with me. I feel like im on the edge to breaking down soon, or really snapping, who knows when. I feel like im losing it. I think alot of people are right now in a way.

I feel so frustrated, and lost. And with weird emotions, like I cant control them. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to black out and not be able to come back. I live in fear of myself.

I want to do things and see where it takes me. Not plan it, I just do as things come at me. I "wing it" all the time, thats my whole life right there. I really just dont care...

I Cant Find Myself

I feel as if I keep getting worse. I know I was bad before, but I can feel myself dragging myself back to the ground. Like Im slipping again. I never feel like Im all there. Somethings missing. I dont want to do anything. I dont know what I wanna do with my life, it feels like I shouldnt be here. Like my time has past. I just feel so outta place where ever I go. I always turn to the bottle with my mistake's. But after I just get all depressed again. Theres no ending this. Lost inside this head no one will ever understand.

I keep dreaming im getting into stupid shit and doing alot of hard drugs. Does that mean something? And I keep having that "oh shit, I failed again.." with everyone shaking there heads at me. I wanna try, and do better. But its hard when you just hate everything. I dont understand what set me off to be like this. You cant change a person if they've been like this all there life, its always gonna come along with them.

I just get so angry now, and so fast. I'll get pissed off at stupid small ass things that I dont even care about. But I guess I really do inside. I guess Kats had enough of being pushed around and told what to do. Or I'll be sitting there, and I'll end up getting lost in my own head. Hearing Kat talk and saying shit.. I dont even know what shes saying half the time.

Now I'll start to black out, my hearing and vison will start to fade. I can still feel myself able to move. But I'll freak out, not knowing what to do. Im scared that one day I will fully black out, and something will happen. I dont know what shes gonna do. I dont wanna be lost and gone forever...

The Point/Life

Whats the point?
All we do is live day by day
Hoping tomorrow will be better then it was today
We're only living to die
Then just dying to live
Wishing you could have done better
And fixing all your mistakes
And having to live with all your regrets
Wishing to forget
Whats the point?

Whats the point anymore...you have to work hard at anything you want. Nothing ever comes easy. Life is all a test.

Life is tough, but we all get by one way or another

The point is to make the best out of everything that is thrown at us, and to deal with it head on.

Know you did it for yourself and worked hard for it and desivered all of it. Just to be happy.

Cause thats just how things are. You have to so you dont die knowing you lived a shitty life, and didnt do a thing about it.

Dear Dad..

Its been months since I last spoke with you. Last time we saw each other it was May, and well just say we left it off bad. Some days I do miss you, but then I just think back to how stressed you got me. It just feels weird now to even talk to you. I feel nothing between us now. Im just so used to you being gone.

You feel like a stranger to me, but one with a past. I swear I could talk to a complete stranger better then I can with you. Sad part is, its true. I dont even know where to start or how to talk to you.

I know you miss me, but you still dont understand how badly you hurt me. Or fucked me up. Cant see why I do all the drugs and drank my life away? You cant see that your the reason I did all that? Even if you do see it, you cant take the blame. How do I explane it in a nice way? Without hurting you as much as you hurt me.

Even though you killed me in a way, your still my dad. But never think I was daddys little girl. I've been left alone for so long, Im scared cause of you. Its your fault, stop blaming others.

Emotion Poems

Emotions, we all do fear,
For they are always dear.
But we must be brave,
So they wont bring us to our grave.

Can't sleep, way to hot,
So many thought pounding my head.
To many feelings.

Emotions call all be very confusing,
but they can be amusing.
Which can lead to being abusing.

I Try So Hard

I know I've made alot of bad choices in the past. And no matter what, you'll throw them back at me. Everything I do, of every minute of the day I try and do something good for you, just to make you happy. But I cant, you just dont trust me. It feels that way for me. It feels like I cant do anything right. It puts me down so bad.

You cant hear me crying right now, writing this. You'll probably never think this is even for you. Im gonna end up crying the whole night. I hate crying. Makes me feel like shit. Im gonna be up the whole night wishing to die, and saying I cant do this anymore. I wanna run, but that doesnt solve anything does it. I can barly breath.

And I have a secret you dont know about, something that might make you turn your head. Havent you never noticed the scars on my rists?

You've been more of a father to me then my own. Well cause I never see him. Without you, we would still be living in that house with haunting memorys. I would still be drinking my guts out everyday and end up doing every hard drug out there.

I'd probably be dead by now. Found by my own mother coming home from working overtime. Cause no one was ever home for me. I never really knew were my brother was. But everyone did there own thing to kill the pain we didnt want to face.

I faced it, but no one wanted to hear the truth. So I was alone, and I turned to the bottle. No one was there, no one would notice. They never did, till I was laying there half dead....

You've done alot for me, yes. But I feel so punished for something so little. I know I was told better. Im a teenage, Im not perfect. But you dont understand how hard I try to make you happy. I try to make money, and keep my grades up.

Im just so angry inside, I hate it. I always will be, my past is stuck there, in anger. Why do I feel like theres something wrong with me? This rips me up inside so badly. Why cant I make you happy? Why do I hate myself so much?

When I came home tonight, you didn't even say one word too me, didnt even look at me. Just through me, like everyone else. I just wanna be good.

I've had so much on my mind latly, I dont even know what to do with myself. I push myself everyday. Im living behide a mask. Im sorry..