This Deep Depression,

That I have really does suck.
Some of you might be able to relate to this.
Its just a random wave of depression that washes over you.
Or hits you like a stupid city bus.
And if your alone its just 10x worse.
Plus nothing can help it.
Nothing but time.
Which also sucks.

But all your options rush to your head with how to get rid of it.
All your bad habits scream out to you.
And half of you is yelling at you "YES DO IT"
So everything at once is racing threw your head non stop.
Then your depression turns into anger.
Plus a bad headache.

Half of you doesnt allow you to think or talk.
The yelling and screaming just keeps on going.
And you know the only way for it to stop is if you do it.
But if you do it, it will get stronger then you.
And keep coming back.
Those damn bad habits.

That cut that will leave a scar.
The drink that turns into 4 then a few more.
Or those few hits that make you fly, always make you do a faceplant at the end.

I live with scars all over my body.
I can never get drunk anymore with the amount I used to be fine with.
And I freak out and get moody with my crashes.

But why do I still want it?

Its Hard To Think..

When theres another person in your head yelling at you.
When your bad habits call out to you.
When everything feels like a dream.
When you go numb.

Or when you told me that your always going to be there for me.
But I know you cant be, you cant even look after yourself.
Either of you can, nor can you face the truth.
Grow up and deal with your shit.
Its life. I remember one time you told me
"Lifes hard, but we get threw it one way or another."
Show me proof of that.
Get some help like I did.
Ya, we all fall down and might even get kicked to stay down.
But thats all part of life too.
Deal with it, cause I have to everyday.

Either of you know half the shit I've been threw, or how mental I really am.
Cause I cant talk to you guys, you just wouldnt understand.
Its hard for alot of people to take in the storys I do share.
Why I keep my mouth shut with alot of shit.
Mom slowly is learning who I am, cause she wants me to talk with her.
And I know she wont yell at me, and help me threw it.

I just hate how I get dragged into this shit over and over again.
And no matter what I will be dragged into it.
Cause its family matter, and Im going to be there for them when I can.
You cant just run away from it.
Its really not my problem, but Im still going to hear about it.
I still wanna be kept in the loop of things.
But why this drama? I HATE it.

Im so tired of this stupid fucking battle thats going on.
I have my own war to deal with.
I never seem to get a break.
And people wonder why I go numb half the time and just really dont care anymore.
The longer this does go on, the harder it is for me to care about life.

So everyone, grow up and deal with your shit.
Half of my childhood and teenage-hood got taken away from me.
Since I had to grow up a bit faster then I had too.
Since either of you couldnt.
Why would I want my kids have the life I had?
It was fucked up from the start.

PS- So stop wondering why Im full of anger.

Moving Forward,

With you.
Will be the best thing for me.
I really cant see myself without you.
Lately I've been seeing alot of things.
Things I've never seen with anyone else.
And theres nothing more then I want,
A life with you would be everything coming true.

I've quit alot of bad habits for you.
Its hard with a few, but your a good reason for me too.
I know I tend to go crazy at times.
But I find alot of built up shit comes out when Im with you.
I can relax more.

I just want to make you happy,
Like you do for me.
And to share a life with you.
I know Im not perfect
But I'd do anything for you.
I love you.

I always have a feeling that if I do talk about things like this.
I jink it.
Maybe why I try to avoid somethings.
But I know this is what I want
And just dont want this to scare you off for when I do talk like this.
I dont know how you'd take it if I said this in person.

But I truely do know that I love you Matt.

PS- I want raspberrys =)

Looking Back,

On how I used to be.
I've noticed how the person I was is no longer in me.
Its been to long for me able to find her.
I keep thinking it was just the kid in me
And I've just grown up.
But Im not to sure if it was just that part of me.

I know a part of me died when you left us.
Some part of me I'll never get back.
You've broken me, and I hope you know that,
But you'll never fully face the truth of it.
How alot of my actions were because of you.
You need to learn how to be silent and listen to me.
Did you know those two words have all the same letters in them to spell eachother?

Its weird how everything I write about invoids you.
How much shit is built up and what I really wanna say to you.
Why do you think Im never around?
I barly know you anymore
As you barly know me.
Keep telling yourself that you do.
Whatever helps you sleep at night right?

And everytime we talk, its usually the same shit over and over.
I wish you could be there for me like you used too.
But this distence is making me stronger.
So learn to let go, cause I am.

Decode It

Theres something I should say but.........................Why should I
Get into that now and ...........................................Tell you?
It may hurt for you to hear, so ............................When I know
Nothing good will come out of it.
Why bother?

..........................................................................You
Will freak out and I ..................................................Dont
Want that, I ..........................................................Care
And love you.



PS- This isnt going toward anyone, I just thought it was cool and that was the first thing to come to my mind, weird enough. And its how my favorite author Ellen Hopkins writes.

I Wish I Was...

Skinnyer
Prettyer
Had no frickles
A Clearer face
No Scars on my body..
Nor strech marks
Smarter
Thinner face
Better hair
Bigger boobs
Fit

Ya I know Im being like every girl that says this shit. But I never really do, till now. I just wanted to say this, to get it out. I dont like talking about it, cause usually someone will just yell and say Im wrong so they think I know Im pretty. But this is how mirrors mock me. That and Kat, but thats a different story as you know. When I do look in the mirror and see these things I know some will never happen.

My scars and strech marks may go away..one day. But yea, I dont seem to be helping.
I want my hair to be longer so I can do more with it. So I can just grow that
And I can work out more and stop being lazy.
But the other things I have to wait on.
This shit kinda makes me wanna stop eating all together.
My biggest thing is for a thinner face, that bugs me the most. Always has and will.

I know Im not an ugly fuck.
But I've been starting to compair myself with other girls alot now, and really starting to hate what I see when I look in the mirror.
I dont want to become one those over obsessed girls with how they look.
Or cry at night about it. I've cryed a few times I must say, and have punched a few mirrors.

I guess Im just trying to turn myself into something I cant be.

ps- I feel stupid talking about this

Am I Really?

Half the time it feels like everyone is after me, trying to hurt me. But I know there just trying to help me, but I keep pushing away. I always think its better for no one to know about me, like things would be better. Might be true though. I've noticed that ever since that blade got to me again, I've been keeping alot more inside. I know I havent been talking much about some shit inside. Some thats been locked up in there for years. Maybe somethings are better not to be shared. But I know I should say it.

My head is fucked, I dont understand how I got this way. I have an idea of how I got this way, but guess I wont really know. Maybe it just runs threw my family? I can believe that, cause everyone who knows mum and my bro, they can see something in us is a little outta wack. Really bad memory loss for sure.

People say I may be a bit scitzo, the see signs of it, if its just me and them. Im more my hiden self around alot of people I know, but if I dont know anyone and its just me. Then I just let go and let her out. Hint, why I shouldnt be left alone. Im always testing other people that I dont know, seeing who can/cant handle the other side of me.

Im also very "hot and cold" all the time, they say. Very fast at switching between that too. Its hard to stay in between that, if I am, I feel numb. I get "highs" when Im really happy and jump around. But when im depressed Im stuck in the deep blue. Bi-polar does run in my family on mums side. Holy shit, more I think about this, I think I am...

But what can I do?