Been Falling Longer Then I Thought

Its sadly but true.
Its only when you cant fall asleep and lay there thinking about your whole life.
Thats when you really notice it.
I can still see myself falling at times.
I've become softer inside, more emotional.
All those years holding it inside, keeping myself together in a way.
Now Im just ready to fall apart, and just brake.
Will you be there when I lose it?

Everyone has a story,
And I wanna share a bit of mine.
Its my past. And theres nothing you can do about it.
But more I think about it, I dont want too.
This is where I used to be able and vent
But I dont want you to know me.
Maybe in awhile I will share some more.
Hint is, it all started in grade 6.

But I want to vent here without people "checking up on me"
Just leave me alone, because you'll never really know me
I wont let you in.
So back the fuck off.
You really dont want to deal with me.


Mudvayne- Happy?

These Constant Dreams,

That I keep on having,
They wake me up in the middle of the night crying or confused.
I think about them for the next few days, too a few weeks.
Why do dreams confuse the crap outta me like this.
I wish someone just knew EVERYTHING about dreams,
Like why we had that dream and what its telling us.
Cause shit, we know dream books are just fucking cracked out.

I keep on running away, or going on adventures.
I used to talk about just randomly taking off one day and just going everywhere.
Or to just go somewhere and hitch-hike to somewhere and back for a few weeks.
But it worrys me, like since Im still having those dreams, does it mean I still want too?
Is there something in me that wants to just run, start over, hide, or unhappy?
I always think about that shit over and over, maybe theres something missing?
But thinking of this just gets me worried and pissed off.

Running Away Dreams:
-Lucy always tends to be the first one too find me
-I run back to the people I try to forget about
-Im always being lead around like I have no control
-Its like I know where Im going and have been there before but I know I havent
-I start off running away with crying and bleeding
-Sometimes wish I was there since no one had control over me
-Always have green eyes in the dream and when I wake up

Adventure Dreams:
-Always with a random group of guys and maybe some chick or Lucy
-Running around towns I usually know but turn into somewhere else or the woods
-Go to restaurants and stores then steal shit
-Sleeping in abandoned places/things
-Doing dangerous life threating stuff
-Usually wake up with a few cuts

This Deep Depression,

That I have really does suck.
Some of you might be able to relate to this.
Its just a random wave of depression that washes over you.
Or hits you like a stupid city bus.
And if your alone its just 10x worse.
Plus nothing can help it.
Nothing but time.
Which also sucks.

But all your options rush to your head with how to get rid of it.
All your bad habits scream out to you.
And half of you is yelling at you "YES DO IT"
So everything at once is racing threw your head non stop.
Then your depression turns into anger.
Plus a bad headache.

Half of you doesnt allow you to think or talk.
The yelling and screaming just keeps on going.
And you know the only way for it to stop is if you do it.
But if you do it, it will get stronger then you.
And keep coming back.
Those damn bad habits.

That cut that will leave a scar.
The drink that turns into 4 then a few more.
Or those few hits that make you fly, always make you do a faceplant at the end.

I live with scars all over my body.
I can never get drunk anymore with the amount I used to be fine with.
And I freak out and get moody with my crashes.

But why do I still want it?

Its Hard To Think..

When theres another person in your head yelling at you.
When your bad habits call out to you.
When everything feels like a dream.
When you go numb.

Or when you told me that your always going to be there for me.
But I know you cant be, you cant even look after yourself.
Either of you can, nor can you face the truth.
Grow up and deal with your shit.
Its life. I remember one time you told me
"Lifes hard, but we get threw it one way or another."
Show me proof of that.
Get some help like I did.
Ya, we all fall down and might even get kicked to stay down.
But thats all part of life too.
Deal with it, cause I have to everyday.

Either of you know half the shit I've been threw, or how mental I really am.
Cause I cant talk to you guys, you just wouldnt understand.
Its hard for alot of people to take in the storys I do share.
Why I keep my mouth shut with alot of shit.
Mom slowly is learning who I am, cause she wants me to talk with her.
And I know she wont yell at me, and help me threw it.

I just hate how I get dragged into this shit over and over again.
And no matter what I will be dragged into it.
Cause its family matter, and Im going to be there for them when I can.
You cant just run away from it.
Its really not my problem, but Im still going to hear about it.
I still wanna be kept in the loop of things.
But why this drama? I HATE it.

Im so tired of this stupid fucking battle thats going on.
I have my own war to deal with.
I never seem to get a break.
And people wonder why I go numb half the time and just really dont care anymore.
The longer this does go on, the harder it is for me to care about life.

So everyone, grow up and deal with your shit.
Half of my childhood and teenage-hood got taken away from me.
Since I had to grow up a bit faster then I had too.
Since either of you couldnt.
Why would I want my kids have the life I had?
It was fucked up from the start.

PS- So stop wondering why Im full of anger.

Moving Forward,

With you.
Will be the best thing for me.
I really cant see myself without you.
Lately I've been seeing alot of things.
Things I've never seen with anyone else.
And theres nothing more then I want,
A life with you would be everything coming true.

I've quit alot of bad habits for you.
Its hard with a few, but your a good reason for me too.
I know I tend to go crazy at times.
But I find alot of built up shit comes out when Im with you.
I can relax more.

I just want to make you happy,
Like you do for me.
And to share a life with you.
I know Im not perfect
But I'd do anything for you.
I love you.

I always have a feeling that if I do talk about things like this.
I jink it.
Maybe why I try to avoid somethings.
But I know this is what I want
And just dont want this to scare you off for when I do talk like this.
I dont know how you'd take it if I said this in person.

But I truely do know that I love you Matt.

PS- I want raspberrys =)

Looking Back,

On how I used to be.
I've noticed how the person I was is no longer in me.
Its been to long for me able to find her.
I keep thinking it was just the kid in me
And I've just grown up.
But Im not to sure if it was just that part of me.

I know a part of me died when you left us.
Some part of me I'll never get back.
You've broken me, and I hope you know that,
But you'll never fully face the truth of it.
How alot of my actions were because of you.
You need to learn how to be silent and listen to me.
Did you know those two words have all the same letters in them to spell eachother?

Its weird how everything I write about invoids you.
How much shit is built up and what I really wanna say to you.
Why do you think Im never around?
I barly know you anymore
As you barly know me.
Keep telling yourself that you do.
Whatever helps you sleep at night right?

And everytime we talk, its usually the same shit over and over.
I wish you could be there for me like you used too.
But this distence is making me stronger.
So learn to let go, cause I am.

Decode It

Theres something I should say but.........................Why should I
Get into that now and ...........................................Tell you?
It may hurt for you to hear, so ............................When I know
Nothing good will come out of it.
Why bother?

..........................................................................You
Will freak out and I ..................................................Dont
Want that, I ..........................................................Care
And love you.



PS- This isnt going toward anyone, I just thought it was cool and that was the first thing to come to my mind, weird enough. And its how my favorite author Ellen Hopkins writes.