The things people say, things they should or shouldn't say. What I wish they did but didn't. Main point is people should really think about what they say and how around me, because it takes so much control from blacking out now and popping them in the face. Kat really cant be tested these days. And I just wish people could understand me better, with how messed up and twisted I really am. But I guess some things are better left unknow..
I feel as if I'm always repeating myself, not even knowing till I really thing about it. Over and over I do the same god damn thing. And always putting myself though guilt trips, since I was so used to them, now I have to do it to myself? Its like I have to find pain to make myself sane. Why do I always go looking for it? Whats wrong with me? It doesnt even feel like Im living half the time. I guess I really am just dying to live again.
Am I really just passing each day like its nothing? Am I even feeling this? I dont even know anymore, I never really knew myself anyways. Im still slowly learning about my past. The things I've forgotten, the things I can never remember. Learning what each scar is from. How bad is that? Waking up with blood and scars all over you, unable to remember anything about it. And once you knew why and how you got them, its just another haunting memory that fallows you forever.
Half the time I dont even know what Im saying, or if its me that is. Sometimes you'll find I'll just be sitting there stairing off at something, really whats going on in my head is either Kat talking to me, telling me something, but usually arguing over nothing. Or sometimes Im remembering something or seeing something I shouldnt see. I can see things before they happen, but never really know when they will, or just cant see enough to change it before it does.
But remember you may have a full conversation without me really knowing. Its just something I dont really have much control over. Kats been out longer then I knew, and I just cant put her away. If someone trys too put her to sleep, she'll find out fast and come after you. Its just to risky, guess I just have to live with this consent headache for the rest of mylife. People really dont see how much pain I am to control myself. I've been hiding it for years, just at times I'll snap. Hiding is what I've been doing best, maybe I should take it to the next level?
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Nights I Lay Up Thinking
People just have to get that I am who I am. Im two different people, I have uncontrolable impulse's at times, and Im bi-polar. Im different from the rest, more then you'll ever get. Everything is all about control for me. And how I think, well put it this way, Im really depressing. Why do people deal with me, I have no idea.
Understanding yourself is harder then you think. But the mind is even harder to get. I've been through alot more then what people think, half my life is blacked out and Im still learning what I have done in my past. Somethings that I wish I didnt have to remember as well. Something that people shouldnt have to live with at young age, or even ever. As time goes on, I find myself hiding more, and being more in fear with myself. Hating everything I've done and lived for.
Im I just as bad as Kat? Or am I really just one person thats going crazy and blames everything on nothing. Am I blaming it on the person thats not really there? Or am I thinking to hard and she real as I am. Im really that outta wack to be able to tell. So I must be really that torn from myself. Im stuck behide a shadow, unable to see infront of myself. I cant keep going on like this, but I guess it just sounds better when no one has to hear it.
Have you ever thought of how one person, one small thing can change your entire path of life. No matter what it is. And knowing a huge part of your life that you'll never know is gone since its changed, or just from one person leaving your life will also effect everyone else's. Everything changes forever. Unable to fix your past. Does that drive you crazy?
Have you ever loved someone so much, but knew they could do better with someone else. Yet you just cant let them go cause there so great to you and you'd regret forever if you did. You want to love them and give them everything. But you ask your self, how do I give what has always been taken?When I close my eyes and hear some people speak. Its like a ecoing voice fading away, dying in the distance.
Understanding yourself is harder then you think. But the mind is even harder to get. I've been through alot more then what people think, half my life is blacked out and Im still learning what I have done in my past. Somethings that I wish I didnt have to remember as well. Something that people shouldnt have to live with at young age, or even ever. As time goes on, I find myself hiding more, and being more in fear with myself. Hating everything I've done and lived for.
Im I just as bad as Kat? Or am I really just one person thats going crazy and blames everything on nothing. Am I blaming it on the person thats not really there? Or am I thinking to hard and she real as I am. Im really that outta wack to be able to tell. So I must be really that torn from myself. Im stuck behide a shadow, unable to see infront of myself. I cant keep going on like this, but I guess it just sounds better when no one has to hear it.
Have you ever thought of how one person, one small thing can change your entire path of life. No matter what it is. And knowing a huge part of your life that you'll never know is gone since its changed, or just from one person leaving your life will also effect everyone else's. Everything changes forever. Unable to fix your past. Does that drive you crazy?
Have you ever loved someone so much, but knew they could do better with someone else. Yet you just cant let them go cause there so great to you and you'd regret forever if you did. You want to love them and give them everything. But you ask your self, how do I give what has always been taken?When I close my eyes and hear some people speak. Its like a ecoing voice fading away, dying in the distance.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The Words Just Keep Coming Out
I lay there listening to my breathing, barly anything going in and out. Heart beat is fading. Not daring to close my eyes, to many dark memorys flooding back. Drowning in all my hopes, now lost. Gone forever, lost in my own head. Trapped, unknowing of where to go, who to trust. How can I trust, believe, and have hope, when I have non in me. Cause I know if I get my hopes up, they'll just end up getting crushed again. I feel numb half the time, most of the time my old life seemed more like a dream than anything real. I just dont wanna think anymore. I dont want to miss anybody or anything.
I know that if you pretend something isnt happening then you dont have to do anything about it. People are pretty good at ignoring what they dont want to believe is going on. Or what they dont wanna see. Havent you noticed that people have to make themselfs believe that the things that they do work to help them. They have to trick themselfs into believing it works, talking about it wont change anything. But it will help at that time. But you have to act to get ride of it, actions speak louder then words.
Nobody chases there dreams anymore, they chase there memorys. But it wouldnt be a dream if it wasnt out of reach. Following their past, trying to fix it, even though they know it never will be like how it used to be. Yet we still try. If we all just decided on whats best for ourselfs, and didnt have to worry about how it would affect anybody else. Dont you think it would be easier that way? You know you sit around hoping for things you cant have, and try to grab on to some ghost that was part of your life. Why do we do it?
Havent you just looked at everyone else then looked at yourself and asked, why do they need me here? And havent you wanted to do something to help someone, but you can barly help yourself. So used to always taking the fall, having the blame and feeling all the pain. Being guilt tripped into so many things that you dont know right from wrong anymore. "Look at yourself and tell me that you do like what you see. That would be a lie, wouldnt it?"
Im still holding onto what used to be, what could have been. Cause you'll always walk away from me, again and again. And as soon as you come back home to me, you leave before I get to know you again, and now your gone for who knows how long.. Im scared its going to be forever.
I know that if you pretend something isnt happening then you dont have to do anything about it. People are pretty good at ignoring what they dont want to believe is going on. Or what they dont wanna see. Havent you noticed that people have to make themselfs believe that the things that they do work to help them. They have to trick themselfs into believing it works, talking about it wont change anything. But it will help at that time. But you have to act to get ride of it, actions speak louder then words.
Nobody chases there dreams anymore, they chase there memorys. But it wouldnt be a dream if it wasnt out of reach. Following their past, trying to fix it, even though they know it never will be like how it used to be. Yet we still try. If we all just decided on whats best for ourselfs, and didnt have to worry about how it would affect anybody else. Dont you think it would be easier that way? You know you sit around hoping for things you cant have, and try to grab on to some ghost that was part of your life. Why do we do it?
Havent you just looked at everyone else then looked at yourself and asked, why do they need me here? And havent you wanted to do something to help someone, but you can barly help yourself. So used to always taking the fall, having the blame and feeling all the pain. Being guilt tripped into so many things that you dont know right from wrong anymore. "Look at yourself and tell me that you do like what you see. That would be a lie, wouldnt it?"
Im still holding onto what used to be, what could have been. Cause you'll always walk away from me, again and again. And as soon as you come back home to me, you leave before I get to know you again, and now your gone for who knows how long.. Im scared its going to be forever.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Two Random Poems
Cut me down
Cut me up
Watch me bleed
Watch me die
See how I go numb
See how the pain has already been done
Throw me to the ground
Beat me
Rape me
Kill me
I dont care
I'll fight till every drop of blood is gone
Im not going anywhere
Till you're dead and gone with me
Cut me up
Watch me bleed
Watch me die
See how I go numb
See how the pain has already been done
Throw me to the ground
Beat me
Rape me
Kill me
I dont care
I'll fight till every drop of blood is gone
Im not going anywhere
Till you're dead and gone with me
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Life Is A Perfect Lie
Things have been going well for me, yet I still have this unwelcomed depressest that comes from no where. I may look fine, but inside I feel as if something is still missing. A part of me isn't there, so as it feels. Im never really sure what to do, I try not to think, I find it best to just not. Just do, dont plan.
People are like a mirror, they either look at them self and hate or love what they see. Or when they look into there own eyes, they cant stand themselfs. Eyes never lie, theres always a story behide them like the image of themself. Like each scar, bruse, broken bone has a story of its own.
Im trying to really clean up my act, but Kat is just holding me back. I keep on slipping back, like Im playing tog-a-war. A constant battle, a war that cant be won. People must realise that she is now apart of me, she'll never leave me. No matter how bad she always fucks up my life. I cant get rid of her, she'll die with me.
Half the things I do are unknow, I dont know what is happening in my own head half the time. I hear people, myself, my other half talking to me, so much talking I dont know what is being said. To much noise, so I sit there in silence trying to take it all in but Im unable too.
People are like a mirror, they either look at them self and hate or love what they see. Or when they look into there own eyes, they cant stand themselfs. Eyes never lie, theres always a story behide them like the image of themself. Like each scar, bruse, broken bone has a story of its own.
Im trying to really clean up my act, but Kat is just holding me back. I keep on slipping back, like Im playing tog-a-war. A constant battle, a war that cant be won. People must realise that she is now apart of me, she'll never leave me. No matter how bad she always fucks up my life. I cant get rid of her, she'll die with me.
Half the things I do are unknow, I dont know what is happening in my own head half the time. I hear people, myself, my other half talking to me, so much talking I dont know what is being said. To much noise, so I sit there in silence trying to take it all in but Im unable too.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The Usual Thinking Thing
I hate this so much. I feel like im going insane. Like I really just dont know what to do with my life anymore. I just wanna die somedays. I really dont know where im going in life. And I really think I should be dead be now.
I've been thinking alot lately. And wish I kinda havent. I've been noticing that I've been hiding again, keeping everything locked up. I dont know whats wrong with me. I feel like im on the edge to breaking down soon, or really snapping, who knows when. I feel like im losing it. I think alot of people are right now in a way.
I feel so frustrated, and lost. And with weird emotions, like I cant control them. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to black out and not be able to come back. I live in fear of myself.
I want to do things and see where it takes me. Not plan it, I just do as things come at me. I "wing it" all the time, thats my whole life right there. I really just dont care...
I've been thinking alot lately. And wish I kinda havent. I've been noticing that I've been hiding again, keeping everything locked up. I dont know whats wrong with me. I feel like im on the edge to breaking down soon, or really snapping, who knows when. I feel like im losing it. I think alot of people are right now in a way.
I feel so frustrated, and lost. And with weird emotions, like I cant control them. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to black out and not be able to come back. I live in fear of myself.
I want to do things and see where it takes me. Not plan it, I just do as things come at me. I "wing it" all the time, thats my whole life right there. I really just dont care...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I Cant Find Myself
I feel as if I keep getting worse. I know I was bad before, but I can feel myself dragging myself back to the ground. Like Im slipping again. I never feel like Im all there. Somethings missing. I dont want to do anything. I dont know what I wanna do with my life, it feels like I shouldnt be here. Like my time has past. I just feel so outta place where ever I go. I always turn to the bottle with my mistake's. But after I just get all depressed again. Theres no ending this. Lost inside this head no one will ever understand.
I keep dreaming im getting into stupid shit and doing alot of hard drugs. Does that mean something? And I keep having that "oh shit, I failed again.." with everyone shaking there heads at me. I wanna try, and do better. But its hard when you just hate everything. I dont understand what set me off to be like this. You cant change a person if they've been like this all there life, its always gonna come along with them.
I just get so angry now, and so fast. I'll get pissed off at stupid small ass things that I dont even care about. But I guess I really do inside. I guess Kats had enough of being pushed around and told what to do. Or I'll be sitting there, and I'll end up getting lost in my own head. Hearing Kat talk and saying shit.. I dont even know what shes saying half the time.
Now I'll start to black out, my hearing and vison will start to fade. I can still feel myself able to move. But I'll freak out, not knowing what to do. Im scared that one day I will fully black out, and something will happen. I dont know what shes gonna do. I dont wanna be lost and gone forever...
I keep dreaming im getting into stupid shit and doing alot of hard drugs. Does that mean something? And I keep having that "oh shit, I failed again.." with everyone shaking there heads at me. I wanna try, and do better. But its hard when you just hate everything. I dont understand what set me off to be like this. You cant change a person if they've been like this all there life, its always gonna come along with them.
I just get so angry now, and so fast. I'll get pissed off at stupid small ass things that I dont even care about. But I guess I really do inside. I guess Kats had enough of being pushed around and told what to do. Or I'll be sitting there, and I'll end up getting lost in my own head. Hearing Kat talk and saying shit.. I dont even know what shes saying half the time.
Now I'll start to black out, my hearing and vison will start to fade. I can still feel myself able to move. But I'll freak out, not knowing what to do. Im scared that one day I will fully black out, and something will happen. I dont know what shes gonna do. I dont wanna be lost and gone forever...
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