Life Is A Perfect Lie

Things have been going well for me, yet I still have this unwelcomed depressest that comes from no where. I may look fine, but inside I feel as if something is still missing. A part of me isn't there, so as it feels. Im never really sure what to do, I try not to think, I find it best to just not. Just do, dont plan.

People are like a mirror, they either look at them self and hate or love what they see. Or when they look into there own eyes, they cant stand themselfs. Eyes never lie, theres always a story behide them like the image of themself. Like each scar, bruse, broken bone has a story of its own.

Im trying to really clean up my act, but Kat is just holding me back. I keep on slipping back, like Im playing tog-a-war. A constant battle, a war that cant be won. People must realise that she is now apart of me, she'll never leave me. No matter how bad she always fucks up my life. I cant get rid of her, she'll die with me.

Half the things I do are unknow, I dont know what is happening in my own head half the time. I hear people, myself, my other half talking to me, so much talking I dont know what is being said. To much noise, so I sit there in silence trying to take it all in but Im unable too.

The Usual Thinking Thing

I hate this so much. I feel like im going insane. Like I really just dont know what to do with my life anymore. I just wanna die somedays. I really dont know where im going in life. And I really think I should be dead be now.

I've been thinking alot lately. And wish I kinda havent. I've been noticing that I've been hiding again, keeping everything locked up. I dont know whats wrong with me. I feel like im on the edge to breaking down soon, or really snapping, who knows when. I feel like im losing it. I think alot of people are right now in a way.

I feel so frustrated, and lost. And with weird emotions, like I cant control them. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to black out and not be able to come back. I live in fear of myself.

I want to do things and see where it takes me. Not plan it, I just do as things come at me. I "wing it" all the time, thats my whole life right there. I really just dont care...

I Cant Find Myself

I feel as if I keep getting worse. I know I was bad before, but I can feel myself dragging myself back to the ground. Like Im slipping again. I never feel like Im all there. Somethings missing. I dont want to do anything. I dont know what I wanna do with my life, it feels like I shouldnt be here. Like my time has past. I just feel so outta place where ever I go. I always turn to the bottle with my mistake's. But after I just get all depressed again. Theres no ending this. Lost inside this head no one will ever understand.

I keep dreaming im getting into stupid shit and doing alot of hard drugs. Does that mean something? And I keep having that "oh shit, I failed again.." with everyone shaking there heads at me. I wanna try, and do better. But its hard when you just hate everything. I dont understand what set me off to be like this. You cant change a person if they've been like this all there life, its always gonna come along with them.

I just get so angry now, and so fast. I'll get pissed off at stupid small ass things that I dont even care about. But I guess I really do inside. I guess Kats had enough of being pushed around and told what to do. Or I'll be sitting there, and I'll end up getting lost in my own head. Hearing Kat talk and saying shit.. I dont even know what shes saying half the time.

Now I'll start to black out, my hearing and vison will start to fade. I can still feel myself able to move. But I'll freak out, not knowing what to do. Im scared that one day I will fully black out, and something will happen. I dont know what shes gonna do. I dont wanna be lost and gone forever...