Moving Forward,

With you.
Will be the best thing for me.
I really cant see myself without you.
Lately I've been seeing alot of things.
Things I've never seen with anyone else.
And theres nothing more then I want,
A life with you would be everything coming true.

I've quit alot of bad habits for you.
Its hard with a few, but your a good reason for me too.
I know I tend to go crazy at times.
But I find alot of built up shit comes out when Im with you.
I can relax more.

I just want to make you happy,
Like you do for me.
And to share a life with you.
I know Im not perfect
But I'd do anything for you.
I love you.

I always have a feeling that if I do talk about things like this.
I jink it.
Maybe why I try to avoid somethings.
But I know this is what I want
And just dont want this to scare you off for when I do talk like this.
I dont know how you'd take it if I said this in person.

But I truely do know that I love you Matt.

PS- I want raspberrys =)

Looking Back,

On how I used to be.
I've noticed how the person I was is no longer in me.
Its been to long for me able to find her.
I keep thinking it was just the kid in me
And I've just grown up.
But Im not to sure if it was just that part of me.

I know a part of me died when you left us.
Some part of me I'll never get back.
You've broken me, and I hope you know that,
But you'll never fully face the truth of it.
How alot of my actions were because of you.
You need to learn how to be silent and listen to me.
Did you know those two words have all the same letters in them to spell eachother?

Its weird how everything I write about invoids you.
How much shit is built up and what I really wanna say to you.
Why do you think Im never around?
I barly know you anymore
As you barly know me.
Keep telling yourself that you do.
Whatever helps you sleep at night right?

And everytime we talk, its usually the same shit over and over.
I wish you could be there for me like you used too.
But this distence is making me stronger.
So learn to let go, cause I am.

Decode It

Theres something I should say but.........................Why should I
Get into that now and ...........................................Tell you?
It may hurt for you to hear, so ............................When I know
Nothing good will come out of it.
Why bother?

..........................................................................You
Will freak out and I ..................................................Dont
Want that, I ..........................................................Care
And love you.



PS- This isnt going toward anyone, I just thought it was cool and that was the first thing to come to my mind, weird enough. And its how my favorite author Ellen Hopkins writes.

I Wish I Was...

Skinnyer
Prettyer
Had no frickles
A Clearer face
No Scars on my body..
Nor strech marks
Smarter
Thinner face
Better hair
Bigger boobs
Fit

Ya I know Im being like every girl that says this shit. But I never really do, till now. I just wanted to say this, to get it out. I dont like talking about it, cause usually someone will just yell and say Im wrong so they think I know Im pretty. But this is how mirrors mock me. That and Kat, but thats a different story as you know. When I do look in the mirror and see these things I know some will never happen.

My scars and strech marks may go away..one day. But yea, I dont seem to be helping.
I want my hair to be longer so I can do more with it. So I can just grow that
And I can work out more and stop being lazy.
But the other things I have to wait on.
This shit kinda makes me wanna stop eating all together.
My biggest thing is for a thinner face, that bugs me the most. Always has and will.

I know Im not an ugly fuck.
But I've been starting to compair myself with other girls alot now, and really starting to hate what I see when I look in the mirror.
I dont want to become one those over obsessed girls with how they look.
Or cry at night about it. I've cryed a few times I must say, and have punched a few mirrors.

I guess Im just trying to turn myself into something I cant be.

ps- I feel stupid talking about this

Am I Really?

Half the time it feels like everyone is after me, trying to hurt me. But I know there just trying to help me, but I keep pushing away. I always think its better for no one to know about me, like things would be better. Might be true though. I've noticed that ever since that blade got to me again, I've been keeping alot more inside. I know I havent been talking much about some shit inside. Some thats been locked up in there for years. Maybe somethings are better not to be shared. But I know I should say it.

My head is fucked, I dont understand how I got this way. I have an idea of how I got this way, but guess I wont really know. Maybe it just runs threw my family? I can believe that, cause everyone who knows mum and my bro, they can see something in us is a little outta wack. Really bad memory loss for sure.

People say I may be a bit scitzo, the see signs of it, if its just me and them. Im more my hiden self around alot of people I know, but if I dont know anyone and its just me. Then I just let go and let her out. Hint, why I shouldnt be left alone. Im always testing other people that I dont know, seeing who can/cant handle the other side of me.

Im also very "hot and cold" all the time, they say. Very fast at switching between that too. Its hard to stay in between that, if I am, I feel numb. I get "highs" when Im really happy and jump around. But when im depressed Im stuck in the deep blue. Bi-polar does run in my family on mums side. Holy shit, more I think about this, I think I am...

But what can I do?

Whats Wrong With Me?

I've been seeing things that arent there, like everything turns. Once people are to still, they turn to pastic. Everythings different, nothing seemed real. Like I had to question everything and couldnt stop looking around. Nothing has really seemed real since my last accident, something changed how I look at things now. Things just aint the same.

Like somedays are a blur, I cant remember much in the aftenoons and nights. I find thats when I black out the most. And theres a time of the day where I just get depressed for no reason. I dont know how I get home most days, or how I get to some places. Theres alot in my head that I still havent shared, and shit Im still learning.

I think really unpositive about myself, like who doesnt? But enough to drive yourself to the edge of things. Enough to make time stop, but your mind is running like mad, and that you go numb?I cut myself down so bad to make myself break down. I do it so if someone says something like that to me, I've heard and told myself it before. Your pathetic she always says.

I also freak out alot, like have mini panic attacks inside. Or once I get mad I tence all up and just wanna break whatever I see first, and have no care about it. Sometimes I cant control myself, for its not me. I wanna be the something I'll never get to be again, myself. I really cant seem to find the person I once knew. She so baried deep inside me, I dont think I can find her again. Most people dont know her since shes been lost for so long. I can barly remember myself.

Theres so much more in my head that I dont understand. So many signs to other things that people say I have, I really want to get tested. But Im not sure how. And do I really wanna know whats going on in my head?

Wish I Could Be Better..

I know no one is prefect, but then why do we all try so hard to make everything we do prefect? Im always stuck in this depression, as soon as I get out of it, I always find a new way to fall back into it. I just cant seem to find a way to keep myself outta that whole. Im sorry with what I've become, and who I might be becoming. You dont know the half of it, but I hate myself for it. Im waiting for the day were I cant wake back up, and when shes fully talken over.

I just wish I could be for once better at something else then someone. I give up to easy when I see someone that can beat me, cause if I carry on with it, I'll just get angry and wanna hurt somone. Or when I see someone else is doing the same things I like and do, it feels like there trying to steal my dreams away. Sometimes I wish I was who I used to be, but I know theres no turning back now. Even if I could, I wouldnt know how too.

I just wanna be a better person, I wanna be me but how can I when I barly know who I am half the time. I wish I was so many things else then what I am. So many people what me to do some many different things, but once I start trying to do it, or like something. Someone comes alone and shuts me down.

I've been drinking for the past few days again. Drinking cant even get me to fall asleep now. I wanna quiet smoking, and I've been good with not doing drugs. But Im gonna end up slipping up soon, right? And that damn blade just keeps on calling me.. Fuck..

Life doesnt even feel real anymore. Like Im dreaming or something, unable to really know whats going on or why its happening. I feel like Im just trying to live day by day. Feels like everything is a fog, like when Im blacking out. Things go by to fast, I cant hold onto the moment long enough to noticed what has happened. Most of the time a comma sounds prefect too me. But nothings prefect, right?