This Deep Depression,

That I have really does suck.
Some of you might be able to relate to this.
Its just a random wave of depression that washes over you.
Or hits you like a stupid city bus.
And if your alone its just 10x worse.
Plus nothing can help it.
Nothing but time.
Which also sucks.

But all your options rush to your head with how to get rid of it.
All your bad habits scream out to you.
And half of you is yelling at you "YES DO IT"
So everything at once is racing threw your head non stop.
Then your depression turns into anger.
Plus a bad headache.

Half of you doesnt allow you to think or talk.
The yelling and screaming just keeps on going.
And you know the only way for it to stop is if you do it.
But if you do it, it will get stronger then you.
And keep coming back.
Those damn bad habits.

That cut that will leave a scar.
The drink that turns into 4 then a few more.
Or those few hits that make you fly, always make you do a faceplant at the end.

I live with scars all over my body.
I can never get drunk anymore with the amount I used to be fine with.
And I freak out and get moody with my crashes.

But why do I still want it?

Its Hard To Think..

When theres another person in your head yelling at you.
When your bad habits call out to you.
When everything feels like a dream.
When you go numb.

Or when you told me that your always going to be there for me.
But I know you cant be, you cant even look after yourself.
Either of you can, nor can you face the truth.
Grow up and deal with your shit.
Its life. I remember one time you told me
"Lifes hard, but we get threw it one way or another."
Show me proof of that.
Get some help like I did.
Ya, we all fall down and might even get kicked to stay down.
But thats all part of life too.
Deal with it, cause I have to everyday.

Either of you know half the shit I've been threw, or how mental I really am.
Cause I cant talk to you guys, you just wouldnt understand.
Its hard for alot of people to take in the storys I do share.
Why I keep my mouth shut with alot of shit.
Mom slowly is learning who I am, cause she wants me to talk with her.
And I know she wont yell at me, and help me threw it.

I just hate how I get dragged into this shit over and over again.
And no matter what I will be dragged into it.
Cause its family matter, and Im going to be there for them when I can.
You cant just run away from it.
Its really not my problem, but Im still going to hear about it.
I still wanna be kept in the loop of things.
But why this drama? I HATE it.

Im so tired of this stupid fucking battle thats going on.
I have my own war to deal with.
I never seem to get a break.
And people wonder why I go numb half the time and just really dont care anymore.
The longer this does go on, the harder it is for me to care about life.

So everyone, grow up and deal with your shit.
Half of my childhood and teenage-hood got taken away from me.
Since I had to grow up a bit faster then I had too.
Since either of you couldnt.
Why would I want my kids have the life I had?
It was fucked up from the start.

PS- So stop wondering why Im full of anger.