I Wish I Was...

Skinnyer
Prettyer
Had no frickles
A Clearer face
No Scars on my body..
Nor strech marks
Smarter
Thinner face
Better hair
Bigger boobs
Fit

Ya I know Im being like every girl that says this shit. But I never really do, till now. I just wanted to say this, to get it out. I dont like talking about it, cause usually someone will just yell and say Im wrong so they think I know Im pretty. But this is how mirrors mock me. That and Kat, but thats a different story as you know. When I do look in the mirror and see these things I know some will never happen.

My scars and strech marks may go away..one day. But yea, I dont seem to be helping.
I want my hair to be longer so I can do more with it. So I can just grow that
And I can work out more and stop being lazy.
But the other things I have to wait on.
This shit kinda makes me wanna stop eating all together.
My biggest thing is for a thinner face, that bugs me the most. Always has and will.

I know Im not an ugly fuck.
But I've been starting to compair myself with other girls alot now, and really starting to hate what I see when I look in the mirror.
I dont want to become one those over obsessed girls with how they look.
Or cry at night about it. I've cryed a few times I must say, and have punched a few mirrors.

I guess Im just trying to turn myself into something I cant be.

ps- I feel stupid talking about this

Am I Really?

Half the time it feels like everyone is after me, trying to hurt me. But I know there just trying to help me, but I keep pushing away. I always think its better for no one to know about me, like things would be better. Might be true though. I've noticed that ever since that blade got to me again, I've been keeping alot more inside. I know I havent been talking much about some shit inside. Some thats been locked up in there for years. Maybe somethings are better not to be shared. But I know I should say it.

My head is fucked, I dont understand how I got this way. I have an idea of how I got this way, but guess I wont really know. Maybe it just runs threw my family? I can believe that, cause everyone who knows mum and my bro, they can see something in us is a little outta wack. Really bad memory loss for sure.

People say I may be a bit scitzo, the see signs of it, if its just me and them. Im more my hiden self around alot of people I know, but if I dont know anyone and its just me. Then I just let go and let her out. Hint, why I shouldnt be left alone. Im always testing other people that I dont know, seeing who can/cant handle the other side of me.

Im also very "hot and cold" all the time, they say. Very fast at switching between that too. Its hard to stay in between that, if I am, I feel numb. I get "highs" when Im really happy and jump around. But when im depressed Im stuck in the deep blue. Bi-polar does run in my family on mums side. Holy shit, more I think about this, I think I am...

But what can I do?