She's bleed out her pain

She's drank till she can't remember 

She's snorted holes in her brain

She's puked the stress away

She hasn't gambled, but what's the need? When she's already gambling her life away.

Suddenly She Gets Weak,

 Hides under her blankets and doesn't speak. 

Just thinks. 

And then sinks into her darkness, her deep blue. 

Hoping he will pull her out, she waits.

She knows its not right to be there, yet in a way it's comforting her. 

She knows she strong, but tends to be tired of being strong for everyone and herself. 

She knows she'll find her way. 

When I Look At You

I feel regret

Not me. You.

You have lost everything good around you

Now you try and fill the empty holes with anything bad.

You've completely lost yourself

I'm the only one that knows you

Yet I nothing about you 

How much of your life has been a lie?

How many times have you lied to me?

Funny this is.

I'm you.

Im Still Hurt,

And  a little upset.
From you, cause I let myself trust you,
I had all the signs not too.
Your a stuck you snob,

Never cared about anyone but yourself,
Yet never cared for yourself.
Drank and drive
Gave me a bracelete full of lies.

If I saw you on the street
I would walk right past you,
I wouldn't be smiling cause I saw you.
It would be cause Im happy Im not with you.

You always told me you were "well known".
We lived in the same hood and I never heard of you.
Imma put some shame on you,
Cause I left for 6years and Im STILL known with a good name,
Unlike you.

The Person You See Now

Is the person I've became to be.
This person has been hidden in me.
Im something you hate.
 Im sorry your the fake.
But for everyones sakes.
 Look into the mirror and see the snake.

I've always known what I'd turn into in the end.
I wont watch myself burn and bend for you.

So turn around and keep walking.
 I wont be following you.
 This is my path to walk.
And its gonna be without you.
So go take a bath, and just relax.
Cause,

 Deep down I know.

 I'll always be that gurl with the mask.
 That will never change.
 For the things that have made me, me.
 I'll push away cause
 I dont want to lose someone close
 Cant even look in the mirror without somehow hating myself.
I'll always find some stupid reason.
 Cause every season seems to have a memory.

Yo These Gurlz

They're all drama 

I've had enough of this.. 

You call yourself a friend 

Yo fuck you! 

You'd try'd thrown my man in the bin. 

I never saw you as a friend

 Second I saw you I wanted to brawl you. 

 I have no trust in you 

 Or anyone thats around you 

Im not doing this again 

 Im not wasting our time again 

 I dont wanna give you hope when I see non 

 Ya, so I have no trust in you. 

 So good luck to you. 

 Cause I dont give a fuck about you. 

 You always threaten to hit me and abuse me. 

 But I always bit my lip and unfused me. 

How could you do this to me, 

 You dont even see what your doing to me 

So stop accusing me! 

 I had to let you go 

So I was able to let myself grow

 I cant lean on you anymore 

Your just not my scene anymore.

Ya We Had It All

But your the one that made it fall
All I did was think of you
Hide the bad
Gave the good
But you were never part of da hood

Whenever your back around
All my emotions just hit
Then it turns into a fit
Which makes me wanna split

In your new gurlfriends face
Haha
Who would knew it end up like dis
Oh trust you knew dis
So now you make me hiss

Your still the same
And a lil bitch
I need to get off this hitch
Before I get bit

I know you still miss me thou
You told me so
So tell ur gurlfriend your sold
To me
Cuz really you knew
The biggest mistake was leaven me

Do You Still Think About Me?

Cuz I do everyday
Even after how your hurt me

But I dont hold on to madness
We need to move forward
But can we do that together?
Or is this toward the end?

Im tired of all these mixed messages your sending me
I dont know what you want from me.
I want this to be real again
Something more than the last time.

I wonder what you really think of me.
Am I just a side gurl?
Am I a hit and run.

Everyone tells me not to go back
But you got a hold on me.

Laying Down Looking At The Ceiling,

Knowing that I have this feeling.
And it feels so good.
Keeps me outt the hood.
Its a feeling you cant even describe.
You'd have to be that person to really look inside.

Dont want this feeling to go away
Why does everything feel like its slipping away?

You dont even know what I have done for you
I've dropped everyone just to be with you
Stopped my old habits
Making every second count when Im with you

Im shaken'
Break'n
At the thought of losing you
Look at all the things I bought for you
I wont let anyone stand in my way.
You cant just hand your love away.

Needs & Wants

Need to keep moving forward.
Stop lookn back.
I need out.
Need to be free.
Need to love.
Need to live.

I can hear it in her voice.
I can hear her wanting to scream for help.
She wants out.




(Unfinished)

10 Second Free Writing

Movies

Something we can relate too.
Something we want to be in
Something not real




Music

We listen
We relate
It moves us
It can do many things to us

It can control our emotions
Our thoughts


Dating

Love or lust
Real or fake
Do we really know that person well enough?
Can we trust them long enough to stay with forever?
Will this be the one?



Photography

Passion
Seeing something that is not
Travel to get the unseen
Hoping to please many

Drugs

They take you over.
And it turns into a pattern
You do it once, then maybe again, then maybe some more
I’ll only do it once a week
Only with friends
Only 3 times a day
Now I’ve lost count

Less time with your family
The drugs drive you away
The monster calls to you
Swearing they love you more.
So you take that path
Continue doing more

School, you don’t know what that is anymore
You slept threw your classes
All your grades dropped
You cant catch up now
Your falling behind
And falling down.

You cant go anywhere without being high
Your losing everything, everyone, and yourself.
Your wasted, so is your life.


(PSA For Audio)

This Is How It Is:

Known you for 5 years
And all we had disappeared.
How did this ending come so near.

I trusted you for all those years
I would do anything for you
I busted myself for you
Now look at me everywhere.

Pieces of memories are starting to disappear.
I think I'm gonna lose u forever.
Cuz I know u lost me
I'm gone forever..

For The Next Few Years,

I will slowly die
Hoping I will recover

2 more years of nonsense
But will I be able to leave even after?
Am I strong enough
Will I speak up
Will I get out

But is that really the end of things?
Or the start of a new hell?
Will it ever stop?

I'm continued to be stuck in this abused world

I'm hoping she will know how to save me
I hope she can deal with me
Will she be enough,
Or will I push away?

Will I last that long to keep sane?
Or am I already insane?



--Dedicated to woman stuck in abusive relationships.--

Going No Where..

I watched u change
Watched u fall slowly

I hate crying for u
And u don't even know it

I'm tired of being hurt
In pain
Being strong for everyone all the time

Im scared to face day by day
The thought of u breaks me

I can't breathe
I feel un-needed
Might as well throw me to the ground
Feels like u already put me there

I have no idea wat to do with u
Make up ur mine
Want me around?
Or not
What am I to u?
A phase.

Don't be dragging this longer than it has too

Fck You, I'm Alive

Noticing…

How much better I am without you
How much you hurt me & what you put me through
How you put me down everyday
How much I hated myself & life
How much I hate you
How I now have anxiety

Why did I stay with you?

How much happier I am now without you
How you helped me find myself
How you shaped me
How alive I am now
How I enjoy my life

Because of you…

I’m haunted, but yet better.
Im learning what true love is
I like girls alot better
I found my lover
I know what really matters
I want to really live my life
I know you cant trust everyone
I know its hard to forget

Because of you, Life is so much better

I Look Like A Dead Person,

Someone I don't know
The someone that used to be me
Imma burn every journal that reps wat I used to be
I don't need anyone knowing who I used to be

Even if that was for the better
I don't know her
So it doesn't even matter
I don't wanna try to remember
Who I am is me now
That's wat matters

Wanna buy a bottle of jack for all the wrong reasons
I don't wanna go back to how I used to handle things
Your hack'n at me
Bringn me down
Get away from me

Can't remember how life used to be.
The longer ur out,
the more I don't want to know.
Maybe its meant to be that u shouldn't be near me
Don't even talk to me

This is ur loss
Not mine



PS- I wrote this a month or 2 ago. Was sitting around so just posted it now

Grasp Me

Hold me
Love me
You do everything right to me
I know u'd never hurt me
But I'll always still fear it
Even thou I know
That pain aint near

I couldn't live without u
Don't think I ever will be able too
My world would go fable without u
I can't bare being without u
I'd rip out every hair for u
People should never dare to interfere
For I won't care
I'll never will let it happen

I was never in shame when I'm with u
Its the greatest thing I could feel inside
Why can't people see how lucky I am
Do I really have to throw them away to show how much I love u?
I'll never let u go
You could put the biggest bet on that

I'm so torn without u
I was born to be with u
I know it when I see u
I love you
And that's a fact
I'm lost without u
I'll go no where without u
All I got is u
I love you

Just Try Me One More Time

Dare u to push me
Test me
Let's see how far I'll go
Quick think times runnin low
Oh, here we go
Tik-tock ur done

There's a reason why I don't tell u anything
No matter wat season
Things won't change with u
Quit maken me hang here
We're not gonna be
Cuz u were never there for me

You don't even know how bad ur hurtn me
You'll never understand the person I was born to be
Let me live this life that is mine
Its not ur fault with how I am
I chose to be dis way

So leave be for u get hurt
Cuz its not gonna be me dis time
I'm not gonna let anyone get in my way
U can't force me to be something u want
I'll never know wat I want if u keep pestering me

I Cant Lie To Myself

These thoughts have to die
There just rippin at me
Its like constant drippin pain

There never enough time to tell u
Everything I've ever felt
How could I really be this blind
And not see it was always u
I've always loved u

I gotta quit this screaming in my head
I can't win a battle that's against me
There's just no way around it
And the war has just begun
How much can I handle?
I'm getting closer to the edge, dare you to push me.

No matter how I look at it
It will always stay the same
Some people really do never change
U can't convince me
That things will get better
My head doesn't work that way

I take everything the wrong way
& see how everyone is against me
But really there just trying to be friendly
The closer I let someone in, the more I'm hurting myself
Trust.. Doesn't exist
Its dead and gone
Like me