Whats Wrong With Me?

I've been seeing things that arent there, like everything turns. Once people are to still, they turn to pastic. Everythings different, nothing seemed real. Like I had to question everything and couldnt stop looking around. Nothing has really seemed real since my last accident, something changed how I look at things now. Things just aint the same.

Like somedays are a blur, I cant remember much in the aftenoons and nights. I find thats when I black out the most. And theres a time of the day where I just get depressed for no reason. I dont know how I get home most days, or how I get to some places. Theres alot in my head that I still havent shared, and shit Im still learning.

I think really unpositive about myself, like who doesnt? But enough to drive yourself to the edge of things. Enough to make time stop, but your mind is running like mad, and that you go numb?I cut myself down so bad to make myself break down. I do it so if someone says something like that to me, I've heard and told myself it before. Your pathetic she always says.

I also freak out alot, like have mini panic attacks inside. Or once I get mad I tence all up and just wanna break whatever I see first, and have no care about it. Sometimes I cant control myself, for its not me. I wanna be the something I'll never get to be again, myself. I really cant seem to find the person I once knew. She so baried deep inside me, I dont think I can find her again. Most people dont know her since shes been lost for so long. I can barly remember myself.

Theres so much more in my head that I dont understand. So many signs to other things that people say I have, I really want to get tested. But Im not sure how. And do I really wanna know whats going on in my head?

Wish I Could Be Better..

I know no one is prefect, but then why do we all try so hard to make everything we do prefect? Im always stuck in this depression, as soon as I get out of it, I always find a new way to fall back into it. I just cant seem to find a way to keep myself outta that whole. Im sorry with what I've become, and who I might be becoming. You dont know the half of it, but I hate myself for it. Im waiting for the day were I cant wake back up, and when shes fully talken over.

I just wish I could be for once better at something else then someone. I give up to easy when I see someone that can beat me, cause if I carry on with it, I'll just get angry and wanna hurt somone. Or when I see someone else is doing the same things I like and do, it feels like there trying to steal my dreams away. Sometimes I wish I was who I used to be, but I know theres no turning back now. Even if I could, I wouldnt know how too.

I just wanna be a better person, I wanna be me but how can I when I barly know who I am half the time. I wish I was so many things else then what I am. So many people what me to do some many different things, but once I start trying to do it, or like something. Someone comes alone and shuts me down.

I've been drinking for the past few days again. Drinking cant even get me to fall asleep now. I wanna quiet smoking, and I've been good with not doing drugs. But Im gonna end up slipping up soon, right? And that damn blade just keeps on calling me.. Fuck..

Life doesnt even feel real anymore. Like Im dreaming or something, unable to really know whats going on or why its happening. I feel like Im just trying to live day by day. Feels like everything is a fog, like when Im blacking out. Things go by to fast, I cant hold onto the moment long enough to noticed what has happened. Most of the time a comma sounds prefect too me. But nothings prefect, right?